A while ago, I read Dear Ijeawele or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestion by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and I cannot forget it. This is a letter Adichie wrote in reply to her friend, who had asked her for advice on how to her daughter to be a feminist. This letter is the gospel. A true feminist manifesto, if there was ever one. However, there is a specific part that she writes that I have not been able to forget: “… I am angrier about sexism than I am about racism. Because in my anger about sexism, I often feel lonely.” So honest and simply put. So accurate.
What is often hard to explain to men (or what men are aware of but like to act oblivious to) is that patriarchy affects everyone. Both men and women and every other gender there is. It is an all-encompassing system and while it has the advancement of men at its core, the benefits are conditional. You can only reap the full benefits of patriarchy if you are a white male. Or heterosexual. Or a Christian. Or…there are many conditions. This is perhaps where it starts to get controversial. When discussing patriarchy, men are quick to say, “But that’s not me” or “But I don’t do that” or “But girls also do this and this”. When a conversation takes this direction, it is lost. There is no need for further engagement because in this moment, patriarchy is no longer being viewed like an efficient system it is. A system that has an input and an output. A system that has terms and conditions for the ‘best output’.
From these conditions that are stipulated by patriarchy on what a man must look or act like to enjoy the full benefits of this system, toxic masculinity is born. The patriarchal idea of a masculine man is one who is unemotional, physically powerful and one who exerts this physical power through violence. The patriarchal idea of a man is a very unhealthy and rigid one. It is a prison: men don’t talk about feelings. Men are not supposed to cry even though, they too, are humans. Men are expected to be the providers. Men don’t wear certain colours. Men don’t moan during sex. Men don’t get sexually assaulted. Yes, masculinity is such a prison that men cannot even speak about the violation of their bodies. Recently, local musician Cassper Nyovest was performing on stage and a few girls reached up his pants to fondle his private parts. This is sexual assault. No consent was given. This incident started a debated on twitter and another local celebrity, Bonang, commented on the video to express her shock. Cassper replied to her comment of shock saying that he did not mind that the girls touched him the way they had. He referred to his genitals as Mufasa and said the girls could touch whatever they want as long as he was on stage. His comment added more fuel to the fire and a heated debate on consent was sparked. A few days later, Cassper posted a tweet saying he was not violated, that he had given the girls permission to touch him. This incident is indicative of what damage patriarchy is doing to men. Cassper could not stand to be vulnerable and to be referred to as a victim of assault. No, I guess that’s a look only reserved for women. The first thing he felt the need to do is to validate his manhood by calling his genitals “Mufasa”. Also, he felt the need to end the conversation by saying he’d given these girls permission. What I am trying to highlight here is that someone’s body, someone’s boundaries were violated and due to patriarchy, they could not express how uncomfortable it must have been just because they are of a certain gender. No, they are expected to enjoy it. Brush it off. Take it like a man. It hardly makes sense to me.
This bring me back to my opening sentiment: women feel alone in fighting patriarchy and this is a system that does not only affect them. To be honest, I think everyone feels quite suffocated by their roles as prescribed by patriarchy. In a debate about patriarchy, men will always mention the perceived benefits women due to this system (how women never have to open doors for themselves or carry their own luggage or pay for dates etc.). However, these expectations and social norms are only in place because of the very system men defend and refuse to dismantle. I used to think we don’t really need men in the feminist movement; just more women. But we do need men. We do not need to have debates with women about the existence of patriarchy. No. we do not need men to go on defence and say “but not me/all of us” (what are you doing about it?). We need men to listen when women speak on the oppression they face. We need men to talk to their friends when they see them mistreat a woman. We need man to make more space to allow other forms of masculinity. In this patriarchal system, men hold the power. We need men to be willing to relinquish that power and normalize making space for women. Women should not be fighting patriarchy alone; we will get nowhere and it is very lonely indeed.