If you think about it, human courtship is quite interesting. One could argue that there are species out there that have far more interesting courtship rituals but nonetheless, I think human courtship is quite special. I guess what makes it unique is that it’s not instinct based. By this I mean, humans do not only seek partners purely for reproduction; there are many other factors involved. In addition, culture plays quite an important role in how we choose mates. In fact, culture maybe be the thing that differentiates human courtship from that of other species. I wonder then, when we have so many other viable options, why we would create a bizarre culture of covertness and implication?
I had asked someone about their feelings towards me and they had given me an answer – it was all quite direct. When I told my friend about this conversation I’d had with said person, her first text was: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT”, followed by a “OMG! THIS IS WHY YOU’RE GOING TO END UP ALONE”. I was quite baffled by her reaction, to be quite honest. Because, what else would she have me do? We then had a long conversation, my friend and I, about what I could have done instead of directly ask. In this conversation, she mentioned a long list of things I could have done to get an answer to my question and truthfully, they all sounded ridiculous to me - I done the most logical and clear thing which is ASK and then I got a response and said person and I kept it moving. However, I was not surprised by my friend’s discomfort to my directness. It is the attitude which almost everyone in society maintains. It is an attitude that is taught to girls from a young age and it is an attitude that serves and perpetuates patriarchy.
Every girl is taught at one point or another that it is wrong for her to approach a guy and ‘ask him out’ or take the lead in initiating a relationship. The job of disclosing feelings and ‘asking out’ is assigned solely to the man. If a girl takes this job upon herself, she is shamed. It is taboo. She appears desperate. Instead, this young girl is taught that her job is to make this guy notice her. There are certain things she must say, certain things she must do, certain things she must imply to get this guy’s attention. The guy must then read in between the lines and approach this girl. This unclearness is fun; it creates a mystery – something to wonder, obsess and giggle about. However, there are quite a few things wrong with this logic. Firstly, it is designed to silence women and empower men. It teaches women that voicing their desire is shameful. It teaches women that their desire only exists when validated by men. It gives men power; the notion that every action a woman performs is for their attention or pleasure because, according to this logic, a woman cannot voice her desire. She can only perform it. Secondly, it enforces the idea of hegemonic masculinity, creating problematic ideas even in same-sex relationships. Now only the more ‘masculine’ person in gay relationship can do the asking out. This means that there must be a masculine person in a relationship – if not a man, the equivalent of a man. Can you see how this, then, becomes more about power more than anything? A tool to serve and maintain patriarchy? Thirdly, the covertness of it all leaves room for some misunderstandings. If we are operating only on actions and gestures, there is bound to be a miscommunication because humans, unfortunately, are not mind readers. With the diversity of our culture, this covertness makes human interactions a very messy affair. It is the erasure of consent and a direction so far downhill, it leads right into the pits of hell itself.
This culture of implied meanings contributes to rape and rape culture: “She wore a short skirt so she wanted it”, “She invited him to her room so she asked for it, what did she think was going to happen?”, “She was too friendly around him, what did she expect?” These are all things said that are rooted in actions. We never question how they come to be a norm. I have always said that consent should be the foundation of any human interaction. It is not enough for something between two people to be implied or visible, it must be said, it must be uttered out loud to make sure both parties are comfortable. Sure, how you feel about someone also reflects in your actions but it must first be said. That is the very first thing. As a society, we must look into why we shame-teach girls the omission of consent is sexy or flattering. We must look into why we shame for voicing out their desire. These assumptions and implications we have created around courtship are the reasons why a woman says “No” but a man thinks it means “Try harder”. I am not giving men an excuse for not hearing women when they speak, I am simply saying society has made it too easy for men to claim ignorance. We have created a culture of unclearness around our relationships and call it flattery. We have taught men to only see women but not hear them.
Now, we must do the work. My friend said that I would end up alone and perhaps she is right but I am quite alright with that because I am doing the work. I am speaking up. We must make our society accept the vocals of women. Women must be able to voice their desires. They must be able to tell men that they like them and not be shamed or have the man feel emasculated. Perhaps that way, men will finally have no excuse to not hear women - to impose themselves on women. That way, they will know that a woman wants them only when she says she wants them. And that if she wants them, she will speak up and say so.