I came across an interesting fact the other day. I read that certain parents commit suicide because they cannot reach to their children. This is very saddening given that one day one will be a parent as well. One girl had the opportunity to travel the world. To be more specific, she had the opportunity to go England for a full year. Approaching the end of that year, she had to come back to South Africa. She did not want to. She wanted to continue travelling the world. She even told her parents that she had gotten the opportunity to travel to India but her parents bluntly refused. To her parents, they pondered on the question; why would their only girl not want to come home?
The same question came to mind when I was walking around my neighbourhood. Many homes being sold and these are homes of people who have spent a great deal of their lives in those homes. They spent so many years converting their houses into homes. Suddenly, they are willing to forgo all their memories embedded into those homes and start again elsewhere. It is true that some people leave their homes because of job opportunities and so forth. Some leave their homes to live in retirement villages where they can be cared for. However, for the man or woman who leave their homes and have not reached the peak of their lives, what causes them to vacate their homes and move to a new location? The decision behind such a move must be one of great proportion. It does not make logical sense why a person will voluntarily attempt to erase the foundations of their memories. The home that housed their bed of love and comfort.
This brings me to the matter at hand. The reason of asking the question about people leaving their homes, serves as a metaphor to attempt to understand why children voluntarily choose to distance themselves from their parents. A young girl I know once shared her story about her relationship with her mother. She only respects her mother by the virtue that she is her mother. Yet her mother has locked her into a barless cage of judgement and “not good enough-ness”. The same mother warns and disapproves of her daughter finding love and strongly objects any male interaction in which her daughter engages. Mind you, this girl is 26-years-old. This story is common throughout the broader spectrum of us young adults.
A similar story I once heard, I heard from a male friend of mine. He is 27-years-old. However, he is a different breed of man. Moreover, because of this difference, he shares no relationship with his father. What is interesting about him is that, he was telling me that his father once told him, quite emotionally, that he yearns to bond with “his son.” He, however, in his mind and heart does not yearn for this relationship. Naturally, I asked him why does he not want a relationship with his father. He replied that all his life, his father never approved him. His father one too many times called him homosexual which he is not. He is at the age of 27 and he does not have any aspirations of marriage. Marriage being one of his father’s greatest “wishes for his son”. For the past 20 years or so of my friend’s life, he was subconsciously conditioned that whatever he did and whoever he desired to be, it will never be acceptable to his father. Thus, he actively took it upon himself to be become his own man without the influence of his father.
These two stories are the manifestations of a particular social media video that once circulated across the board. The video depicted a young boy who at every possible situation wanted to throw ball with his father. He grew up into his late teens, his father still rejecting every invitation he sent to play ball with him. The young boy then becomes a young man and now, the father approaching old age, yearns to build a relationship with his son. However, the tables have turned and now it is the son rejecting to play ball with his father. A similar video circulated but using a female who because her mother did not approve of her dating, she became much closed and could not express her love for her boyfriend. These memes and videos tell us the true nature of our societies and especially about the relationships we share with elders and parents alike.
It is still common to find a 35-year-old still seeking the approval of his or her parents. They will buy a car and bring it home to show it to their parents. They do this to display just how good they have been as children. A man I know, aged 38, recently bought a house. He told me that he wants to spend the first six months building the house so when his mother comes for a visit, she will find the place in “good condition”. Interesting I heard the same sentiment from a 47 year aged professor who recently bought a house as well. It seems then, we are continually seeking the approval of our parents. We continually seeking to be the best we can be so that we can hear “I’m proud of you” from our parents. However, this proudness is a matter of perspective. Some parents are proud only if you obey them. Taking the young woman whose mother shuns her from dating. By being man-less, her mother remains proud of her daughter. This proudness is rooted in the wrong place. She is proud that her daughter is not with a man. She is proud that her daughter is obeying her. Yet her commandment, her proudness of her daughter, is rooted mostly out of the fear that a man will break her daughter’s heart. The mother has been so scarred by love that she fears that her daughter might experience the same pains as she did. Thus, abusing her motherly power, commands her daughter not to be with a man- period. In attempting to protect her daughter, the mother fails to see she is destroying her daughter.
This is a pattern that can be seen across the board. The youth of today is more liberal than their predecessors were. However, we must not mistake being liberal as being more wise. Our parents too planned wild trips and parties. They too were once young and had to find ways around their own parent’s clutches of control and protection. Hence, it is said that one cannot fool an adult. Simply because not only did they write the book, they also re-edited sections of it. We are more liberal in the sense that one does not need to be a teacher in order to obtain economic freedom. We are more liberal in the sense that, depending on the marks we got in high school, we can enroll in a previously White only university. We are more liberal because freedom, which was out of reach for our parents, we have it dancing on the tips of our fingertips. A young girl can attend her graduation ceremony heavily pierced with her hair wild in colour and she will not be judged. Rather, she will be admired for a being a true feminist, affirming her freedom from the belly of her own and unique feminine energy. A young Zulu man can take the stage with nothing but a lion hide and a shield in hand marking the fact that his education will serve his Black heritage and Black pride. These are new times that we the youth of today are alive in. New times that are strange and different from our parents.
This time wrap is want causes the rift between the young and old. The son and father. The daughter and mother. Most of us, we were born into democracy. We grew up in neighbourhoods that were previously White only suburbs. We were taught in schools that were called Hoer Skool until democracy forced them to change into being called High School. We are now adults of the new South Africa. Our elders were the adults of the old South Africa. They grew up with the understanding that only good things come from the whites. We grow up with the understanding that better things can be done by Blacks. Our parents grew up understanding that only a White man can be a successful businessperson. We grow up understanding that a Blackman can run a major corporation. We saw this with Lazarus Zim with Anglo American and Bonang Mohale with Shell South Africa. We are growing in an environment that is teaching us that as a Black person, we can be a vital and vocal player in the world. Unlike our parents who those who were vital and vocal, lived their lives in exile or in prison. The systematic programming of the world on our parents inadvertently has programmed their parenting skills as well. We want approval to be whoever we desire to be from our parents. However, our parents do not understand this because they come from a period where as a Black person; you were only want society told you who you could be.
I did not investigate the grander aspect of this problem, as it requires one with intense knowledge in psychology and other related fields of study. This observation comes from the few encounters one has witnessed and from the few stories one has heard. It is common that relationships do not exist between parent and child. In the pursuit in being free in being who one wishes to be, the child seeks to escape home and never come back. As with the female who tasted freedom in England away from her parents. She was able to live life on her terms without waiting or seeking approval from her parents. Realising that her freedom to be free was approaching an end, she sought for an escape route to India. However, because she is still under the mercy of her parents, her route has denied.
The new South Africa has redefined what it means to be a man in this world. This is seen with my male friend. He sees no place for marriage in his life and he sees no need to slave for a White man to make his wealth. He does not exhibit typical “manly” traits that society expects from men yet he is sure about his masculinity. He is a new breed of masculinity that his father fails to understand. In this misunderstanding, his father judged him and wrongly attempted to correct him into being a proper “man”. These failed attempts caused the boy to be distant that now that he is a man, he sees no room for his father- room that his father seeks to live in.
The damage has been done. Our parents are at the peak of their years and their conditioning hard-wired into the fabrics of their existence. We will not be able to change their thinking nor attempt to reason with them. We need to understand this. Upon understanding this, it will enable us to develop relationships with them. We cannot be ignorant about the importance of these relationships. Our parents sacrificed greatly for us to enjoy the life that we live. Yes, not all parents are good parents. Some parents are bad parents and they do not deserve a relationship with their children. Yet, for the child who knows that his mother went bankrupt for his education or his father spent sleep nights to secure her accommodation at university, these parents must be honoured.
They might not understand the new times we live in. By this, they might not understand our place in these new times. It is vital to understand that their time was different and they are simply at an age, which their minds can never be altered. A man does not decide over night to vacate his home. A man does not decide over night to take his life because his son does not speak with him. A woman does not decide over night to vacate her home. A woman does not decide over night to take her life because her daughter does not speak with her. One does not decide overnight to run away from their place of comfort and safety. There are profound reasoning behind these extreme decisions. Inasmuch we seeking only be free in our freedom, we must understand our parents laid the foundation of freedom that we live in today. Upon this, relationships, that are mutually beneficial, can be fostered between parent and child.