The weirdest things have been happening lately. I am one to believe that the universe is God’s phone line to communicate with us on Earth. And so, the universe led me down the path of trying to understand my sexuality better. More precisely, the universe is leading me down a path to improve and build my masculinity. Thus, I found myself re-reading Paulo Coelho’s Eleven Minutes and strangely, Nabokov’s Lolita as well. Reading these books, with the strange occurrences happening, it is only natural for me to reflect on what I’ve discovered thus far.
I find it interesting that all the girls I fall in love with, or caught feelings for, they were nineteen. The exception being my first girl-friend, my long time campus crush, and my first love. However, every other girl in which I found myself falling in love with or catching feelings for, happen to be nineteen. Writing this at my age now, it sounds as if I am a pedophile preying on young women. Indeed, I am aged now living in the prime of my life. Yet it bothers me to think this way. Society has in many ways made it taboo to think this way yet it is a well-known fact that back in the day, men would marry women 20 years younger. A more recent example of this age difference can be seen with the late Nelson Mandela and Winnie Madikizela Mandela. They were married and yet the age difference spanned across a full 18 years. Another power couple that has a healthy age difference between them is that of Beyoncé and Jay-Z. The age difference between those two span across a total of 12 years. In marriage, love and the relationship between man and woman, what exactly is age?
Is age just a number or does age play a vital role in determining your life partner? It is quite the interesting discovery to find females approaching 30s and act their age. They are mature and display the qualities of a person who has lived for 3 decades and the experience of such a full life is etched on their skins. Then you find females approaching their 30s and behave like they fresh from high school. They lack any basis of respect and therefore it becomes impossible to treat them as women of that age. Quite in fact, the way in which they behave seems as if they haven’t come of age.
The flipside of the coin is also true. You find young girls in their early twenties who behave and command the respect of someone who is in their early twenties. And so, they act their age and can be seen as a young girl. And then you find a female in her early twenties. Her demeanor and behavior contradicting her age. It is only upon the enquiry of her age that you find out how young this female is. The realization therefore usually leaves one speechless and sometimes disgusted at the fact that as an older man, your interest had been aroused by someone old enough to be your younger sister.
What is age to relationships? Some girls get hooked on age. Either in their dating preferences or with themselves. Once I met a girl who was my age. She was so fixed on the fact that she is 26. She tried acting 26. Very deliberate I write tried because she had a very false sense of maturity because of her belief in age. Because she is 26, she somehow thought she must display certain qualities that only 26 year olds possess. The fakeness in the display of these qualities cracked through her layer of false maturity. And because of that, she led herself into depression and into a pit of needing validation from others and not from herself.
The other kind of female who is fixed on age is the one who is fixed on the man’s age and not her own. She is the kind that tells us ‘young boys’ that she dates other son’s fathers and brothers. This is the female who draws the line clearly that anyone younger than a certain age, she will not date. I find this kind of female very interesting. This female is willing to be side-piece of a married man and be treated as an extra. She willingly forsakes the love she would find from someone her age group, someone who she can relate better with; someone who she can build an empire and family with, for an older man who has done and seen it all. These are the girls who when eventually they decide to be with someone their age group, they no longer have the fire to fight for love. They know they can easily entice a lonely and bored married man. Also, it isn’t like the married man will fight for a relationship with someone who he can easily replace. So this female does not have it in her to fight for a relationship. She simply does not know how to. They rather settle for an older man who is more matured in the mind (and in the pocket) than a man her age group still on the come-up, even though the reality of being someone’s side-piece is an actual reality with them. Perhaps it is the security in which an older man provides that lures this type of female. A security that a young man has not found the means to provide. And so, this female will never settle with a man her age-group but rather enjoy the safe benefits that come from an older and more established man.
The biggest mistake that we as humans perhaps did was put a number on love. Tell young kids that they should start dating at certain ages yet a young boy as young as 4 will already feel some type of way around a young girl around the same age. It is taboo to speak about love with our elders and it is more taboo to speak about sexuality with our elders. We source out information pertaining to these matters from external sources. These sources sometimes are beneficial and sometimes these sources are disruptive. The school system wants to teach children about masturbation and the pros and cons of it. The whole nation went into an uproar that they are teaching our children sinful attributes and it shouldn’t be included in the school system. Yet this education for the young teenage who is experiencing a wild concoction of emotions could be more beneficial than to teach the teenage to “control themselves”. How can they learn to control that which they do not know? Our society still teaches young women to preserve their virginity for marriage but teach the young men that preserving their virginity is for weak men. Backward teaching in a world where we are supposed to be moving forward.
A young boy at age 13 could see her sister’s friend and wonder why is it that her sister’s friend is creating a need in him to care for her. But he will not share this experience with anyone because at age 13, what does he know about women? In class, relationships, love and sex is usual elements that led to depression, rape and other foul crimes. To his parents and elders, he shouldn’t even dare mention that he has a girlfriend. At 13 he is way too young to even be thinking of love. Yet, the thighs, the lips and the skin of his sister’s friend torment his mind. This young lad resorts to the philosophies of his older brothers and older male friends who learnt the hard way about their sexuality. And so, the young man learns the toxic sexuality that stems from the toxic patriarchal teachings of masculinities of today’s and past societies. Teachings like when a girl says no, she is playing hard to get. When in actuality, she means her no. Therefore, this young boy grows up with these flawed thinking into his adulthood.
I believe that this concept is too broad to fully comprehend. Like this post, there are many facets to it. Many facets that can be discussed and many facets to seek to understand. However, man’s flaw lies in the fact that he believes he can control his emotions. I believe that we need to teach young men and women about their sexualities the moment they discover them. This will reduce young females seeking security in older men and start building her own security even with someone her age. This will boost a young man’s confidence that he can provide for a female regardless of age. By understanding our sexualities as man and woman then maybe, to love, age will be just a number.