“Why do you date women if you do not intend to marry?”
A question that haunts many young males. This one question is asked one too many times to the point that it gets annoying. Like a splinter, it finds itself under the skin and slowly dissolves into the fluids of your body. If marriage wasn’t the traditional institution that it is, why do men want to marry?
For many years, we have been taught that marriage is beautiful. Indeed, seeing those old people knocking at 80 yet married for decades that span through my entire lifetime - and more - is inspiring. They spark beautiful romances that lure one into the beauty of marriage. Most of often or not, these old couples founded their marriages on solid foundations that stood the test of time. Even though some of these foundations are taught to us, the fact is times have changed- drastically.
It used to be said that a woman should marry a wealthy man so that she never lacks in life. Yet, in today’s generation, it is mostly women who are smarter and far more financially stable than men are. Among my own social class, within the females and males I went with to school and so forth, the successes of the females outweigh the successes of the males- greatly. Women are far better equipped and are in a far better to position, financially, to ever marry a man just for “security”.
A lecturer of mine loves to say that a man is not supposed to be handsome. His supposed to be wealthy. His handsomeness is a direct correlation with the depth of his packet. As an economist, I believe he used the word correlation very deliberately. Yet, the depth of a pocket no longer makes a young man that handsome as it used to in the old days. The old days where the system heavily favoured the man. Yes, the system still favours men over women in many sectors in society. Only in the 20th century did women no longer become a man’s property in marriage. A man’s property, not equal partner. An institution that dates before Christ and yet only in the modern era are the laws around the institution of marriage being challenged to balance the equation of man and woman.
The fact is, laws of not, marriage is the commitment to another soul for the rest of your life. Therefore, the legal laws around marriage should not be used as a yardstick to dictate the fairness or unfairness of it as an institution. Those old couples with solid marriages never attribute their commitment to each other to laws that governed their marriage. They applied laws of the soul and laws around love that very few ever get to understand.
However, those tales of beautiful marriages are enigmas. There are more divorces recorded than there are marriages. Of all childhood friends I grew up with, only a handful married because of love. The rest, the huge portion left, married because the girl got pregnant. Marriage in that instance is used to cover up what society calls a “mistake”. Personally, I detest that notion. Personally it makes me sick a girl gets pregnant and then suddenly she’s forced to marry the man who impregnated her. It is true that there are many benefits of raising a child with both the male and female energy involved in raising the child. However, what good comes from a forced marriage? A marriage of duty and not of love?
Most females I interact with say that they want men in society. One female told me that men died in the 90s. She made a joke that you hear it the RnB. Nothing beats 90s RnB. 90s RnB has the power to make you call your woman within an instant moment. She joked about this and this seemed to hit a chord or two with my own male energies.
A friend of mine, a virile friend of mine, once said that society lacks men. He mentioned how the men of today are simply weak. That statement did not sit well with me and I asked him to elaborate a bit more. His answer was pretty straight forward. He mentioned how we find men who leech of their women for financial support. He mentioned how we find men who are bullied by their women. He went on to mention that most men do not even how to protect themselves. He is old school in thinking and he is rooted in the old school form of masculinity.
My more contemporary friends would give him a proper argument on certain statements that he mentioned. One of my closest friend is a true man of the modern era. His very rooted in his masculinity and sees things differently. A female I adorn once told me that she is taking me out. I found it very difficult. The idea that a female will take me out, pay of the meal and all, challenged me greatly. I told my friend about this. Very simply, he responded by saying she is investing in you. Some girls invest only emotions. In this case, she is investing her finances as well. This is simple. She values you as a person of importance in her life.
A simple answer that changed my perception and perspective to the date. This thinking is different from the traditional “first date man pays” mind-set. A new thinking for the new age. Leading us back to the question, why do men date without the intention of marrying a woman?
Marriage is a powerful base to build a family. There is no argument about that. Marriage that is rooted in love that is. To marry a person, is to marry someone who you wish to build a future and family with for the rest of your life. Fundamentally, logically, that’s why men marry. However, married man still cheat. In interview with a proud Zulu man with five wives, he was asked whether he finds having so many wives as cheating. He responded in a stern no. He said that each wife understands her place and he is in position to care for each wife as if there are not any another wives in the compound. If he happens to be attracted to another woman, he announces this to the other wives and harmoniously, as one family, they agree on the addition or not.
Many of my Zulu friends when I ask them about this, one gets a yes and no scenario. Half of my Zulu friends say, yes that’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s how the family maintains order and harmony. The other half disagrees. They say that a man doesn’t need to ask for permission. He is the head therefore his word is law.
That is bold. In reading other cultures and traditions, one realises that at the end of the day, men marry or choose a mate for status. The bragging rights to court and impregnate the “most beautiful girl in the village”. Any man who has been with a woman who no other man can court knows the confidence that comes with that privilege. Inasmuch marriage is ideal for raising a family, for a man, marriage is more about the status. No man wants to date the mediocre woman. Even for men who defend their woman by claiming that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, every man wants the next man to behold the apple of his eye. Female beauty has many facets. The beauty of Michelle Obama is not the same as that of Nicki Minaj inasmuch as the beauty of Nicki Minaj is not the same as that of Angela Basset. However, the fact remains that these women are beautiful and as men, we respect (and envy) the men privileged to be-hold that beauty on a daily basis.
For the modern era, marriage is no longer about the female finding security. Marriage is no longer about a man’s responsibility to care for the woman he impregnated. Not excusing men from this responsibility. However, in today’s world, one finds men and women raising a child without being married. Their union is usually more beautiful than most marriages. Times have changed but the emotions of love, pride and lust has not. As humans, we still operate from very archaic biologically systems. These systems have stood the test of times. Men seek soul mates for the status. I believe the same applies to the female. I have never met a female content with an overweight, unemployed, unhygienic man. We want significance in our lives. The most powerful significance we can get is knowing that we are valued in someone’s lives. However, we desire the King to value us- not the village fool.