Am I Worth It?

I have been trying for so long, I am tired. It is inspirational to hear the greats who endured. They speak about working towards a goal for years. Some say for 8 years, some will say 10 years, and others will say 12 years. But it gets to a point where you wonder if success is really meant for you.

You see, I have been writing for over 10 years. I started this blog on Google Blogger in 2016 and then shifted to Wix around 2018. I have written over 200 short stories and essays. This number feels like I have put in the work. But still, it feels like I have not done anything substantial.

My dream is to make a living from this blog. My dream is to be anywhere in the world and still have the ability to write. From these writings, I hope to make a living from it. But 10 years in, this blog has not generated a single cent for me.

I won’t lie, it is highly demotivating. I believe it was 2022, I wanted to quit altogether. I felt like I did everything I could to make this blog a success. Still, nothing.

But something would always call me back. It would be an email from a person saying that they read a certain essay, and the essay helped them see some light at the end of the tunnel. Late last year, a person reached out, thanking me for writing these essays. She said that she was on the verge of ending her life, but someone recommended the blog to her. Some essays I wrote helped her to find the hope that tomorrow might be a better day.

It is such that makes a person continue to write. It is such that makes a person believe that this blog serves a greater purpose. A purpose unbeknownst to me.

My flesh, my humanness craves for more. More accurately, it craves stability. It craves for survival. It craves for something tangible.

Over the years, I have learnt that sometimes success eludes a person because of factors beyond their control. You, as a person, could be doing everything correctly. You, as a person, could be working hard, have a positive attitude and plough the right seeds in the ground.

But you might realise that you are sowing in the wrong soil. Or you're sowing the wrong seeds in the right climate. It could be that you still need to learn a certain technique or skill to attain the success eluding you.

A simple example I can think of to explain this notion. I am into weightlifting, and around 2018, I was 100% into it. Even got a diploma in nutrition and a certificate in sports nutrition. I fell in love with fitness, particularly bodybuilding. My role model at the time was Serge Nubret.

Now, when I started, I thought that just working out and eating right would get me a body like Serge’s. I worked out extremely hard. Raining, sunny, hot or cold, I will also be at the gym. Twice a day, morning doing cardio and in the evening lifting weights.

My nutrition was on point, too. I ate as clean as I could. I spent a lot on food and getting quality supplements. As a facilitator on campus, I earned about R8000 a month. Close to R3000 a month was just spent on dieting correctly. I was honestly dedicated. By the end of 2018, I had managed to build an impressive physique. But not quite like Serge’s.

You see, I thought a body like Serge’s could be achieved naturally. I would watch individuals like Simon Panda say that all one needs is to work hard and eat clean. At that time, I never knew about steroids. More accurately, I thought they were only used by the mass monsters like Dorian Yates and those guys. I didn’t know that the Golden Era lifters (and individuals like Panda) also used them.

As someone who lifts as a hobby, I would never take steroids. But you see, what I am trying to allude to is this. My goal, my idea of success in lifting weights, was to attain a body like Serge’s. I was doing everything right in terms of working out and eating clean. But I was missing this single ingredient to attain the success, which in this case, was steroids.

There are two parts to this unknowing. The first part is that I had very limited knowledge about steroids. And so, with this limited knowledge, I foolishly believed that I could obtain a body like that of Serge Nubret without taking them.

The second part of this unknowing is that once I knew and had a greater understanding of the knowledge, I had a decision to make. Do I take the steroids or not? If I took them, maybe I would achieve my goal to look like Serge. Who knows? But I decided not to take them because I felt, and still feel, the negative side effects truly outweigh the positive ones, especially for me, who takes weightlifting as a hobby.

And therein lies how I feel about this blog. I feel like there is something I do not know yet that will enable this blog to find the success I wish it would have. I am an introvert who is afraid of fame. But I realised that fame can enable the blog to reach more people. The fact that God can communicate through these essays means something.

The fact that a person can read an essay on this blog and find some hope, indeed, that is the Lord’s work. Not mine. I am merely a vessel.

So I realise that me being a vessel, I am the barrier to the success. Fame will reach more people, but I am an introvert who enjoys my own company. At the back of my mind, I know what needs to be done. But I am not doing it because it will force me out of my introverted being.

In the same breath, I might know what needs to be done, but like my knowledge on steroids when I started weightlifting, I might know the full scope of how it is done. Like, I know I need to advertise more. But I don’t know the correct strategy to advertise the blog effectively.

Yes, one longs for success to live off their writings. But one realises that for that happen, I need to break the shackles that hinder me. Primarily, that of being an introvert.

This blog, at the end of the day, does not serve me. It serves the reader. It serves the individual who can somewhat grasp the Lord’s voice hidden in the texts written. It is for this reason I continue to write.

But I really wish for one day, for this blog to serve me too.