Defeat.

In the previous essay, I explained how this is the first time that I find myself in this position. And there are a few things that, surprisingly, stand out for me.

One of the Universe’s sacred laws is that of abundance. The Law of Abundance basically means that the Universe will never give you one of something. It will give you a lot of it. And we can use an example from nature to explain this.

If you plant a good seed into good ground, that seed will be able to establish its roots, grow a stem, grow leaves, grow branches and eventually grow fruit. And once the plant (or tree) is strong enough, it will grow those fruits, but it won’t just grow one fruit. It will grow plenty of fruit.

This, I believe, is the true teaching of Christ multiplying the bread and fish. That story is basically teaching us the Law of Abundance. But you see, what is interesting about these laws is that they can also work in the negative.

For instance, I saw this with a tree here at home. It was a peach tree. I must admit, I was young at the time, and so I could not care for it. When I got old enough to care for it (and protect it), it was chopped down. But here’s why I mention that tree.

That tree was weak. It was in good soil, but the tree itself was weak. Years of neglect had turned the tree into a weak tree without a strong, solid trunk. The peaches that the tree produced, they were not the best. They were too tiny or sometimes just inedible. But here’s why I share the story of this tree, in relation to The Law of Abundance. The tree never bore only one fruit. The peaches were bad; this is true. But they were always in abundance.

Now, what does all of this have to do with me? What does The Law of Abundance and a tree that bore bad peaches have to do with my situation?

Well, from nature we can see the laws of the Universe manifest. And if we take the time to learn these laws in nature, we will be able to see their similarities in ourselves and our lives.

When successful people describe the moment they found success, they usually explain how, in a moment, everything they ever wanted became true. The Law of Abundance: everything that they ever wanted, they got and more. I have learnt the same applies when you don’t find that success. Especially in realms such as the friendships we have.

Everything you never wanted, you will get and more. It is not comfortable to talk about this, and I understand why those who found success and claim to have failed a few times before finding success never share their failures; it is because it is embarrassing.

It is said that a Samurai never accepts the shame of defeat. I am not a Samurai, but I too do not accept the shame of defeat. But I do accept defeat. I accept that the plans I had and hoped to achieve at this age have not been met.

I accept the fact that I might have been overconfident with what I can do with my abilities and knowledge. I do accept that the façade that was created to shape my life, that was created by my parents, my siblings, my past teachers and those who believed in me, I accept that they were never true. They were all lies to try and protect me from the brutality of this world. Indeed, I accept defeat. For accepting defeat, I know it will allow me to rebuild myself. This time, from the truth of what life truly is.

In this acceptance of defeat, however, I am learning new things that I would have never learned if I had never experienced defeat. I think to myself how I would have still clung to toxic friendships cause “a friend in need is a friend indeed.” Not realising that I was merely used by some “friends” because of the blind loyalty I have towards people I call friends. In defeat, I have been in need, and there was no friend indeed. Indeed, when days are dark, friends are few. When you are an introvert, they almost vanish into nothingness.

I have no shame in this. I have been able to get rid of parasites I called friends. And since plucking them off me, I have regained a new life in my blood. I no longer find myself engaged in pointless, meaningless activities. I no longer find myself involved in unnecessary drama because so-and-so did this to so-and-so.

When talking with my nephew the other day, I could not resist admiring the naivety in his youth. His blind faith that the adult is always right. He loves playing soccer, so I was advising him that he should play alone to get better.

I proceeded to show him certain drills he could do alone. He adamantly said no; he could not play alone. The reason? The teacher told him that he must play with his friends. And that Teacher said that if he does not have friends, he must tell her. And he stuck to this word, for Teacher is boss.

So beautiful was his naivety because one day he will learn how truly peaceful it is for an adult to have as few friends as possible. One day he will learn that Teacher was wrong. The same way I am learning as an adult.

Because the bond that we call friendship is very fickle. Or perhaps, I am the petty one. As I’ve stated, I try to be the friend indeed whenever a friend is in need. I will stop whatever that I am doing should I hear that a friend needs me. Here’s a story I’d like to share about what I mean.

A friend, one day, once called me while I was at work. Now, the man knows I do not like calls, and he knew I was at work. But I understood that his call was serious. Otherwise, he would not have called me at all. I answered the call and heard him out. I could tell that the man was not okay. So much so I cancelled all of my afternoon classes just to be on the phone with him.

Mind you, I was already in trouble with the campus. It was a private institution that treated students as clients. It was the type of school that made students pass; the students didn’t have to work hard to pass. Obviously, I was against that, so I was in and out of meetings about being “too strict” with my marking. Ironically, at the end of the semester, the CHE investigated one of the students who graduated with an average of 96% in all modules yet never attended a single class.

But that’s not the story. This same friend, years later, when I needed him, the same urgency I had (and still have towards people I care about) was nowhere to be found. I was going through something that was very traumatic, and him being someone I regard as a close friend, I asked if he was available, as I really needed someone to talk with.

Mind you, I notified him a week before and kept double-checking with him during the week that we would meet on Saturday. He knew we were going to meet, and he understood that our meeting was not a social call. This was a man asking a fellow man for a safe space to release his emotions.

Saturday comes along. I arrive at his place. Obviously, the first few minutes are dictated by idle chit-chat. Then, as I was about to get to the meat of the matter, a car pulls up. He goes to the car. I swear, the man spent close to 90 mins (as I watched two YouTube videos when I started getting bored) with his friends in the car.

I felt betrayed. I felt as if I was not a priority. I felt that knowing this was not a social call, the gravity of the situation should have guided my friend to evaluate the situation better. The man eventually came back, gave an apology, but I took it as an opportunity to go home. I was really annoyed.

Now, I mention this because, in defeat, understand that there will be no friends to help you. They will not see the situation you are in as dire as you see it. It is true that not all friends are like this, though.

I write this remembering an episode from I Blew It. This girl had blown her money, and her friend took her in until she found her feet again. The friend, knowing her friend (who blew the money) had become a drug addict, was unemployed and had effectively destroyed her life, took her to her home and helped her get her life back together. These friends are few and lucky if you have such a friend.

But you’ll only discover if you have such a friend when you are in that position. When you are not in that position, and all is well, it is easy to promise one another that when all fails, you’ll have each other’s back. Until one of you fails, and then you realise how heavy it is to hold someone’s back.

Another thing I have learnt regarding friendships when you accept defeat, you will realise just how many “friends” were waiting for your downfall. Some more explicitly, some more subtly.

One friend of mine, when he thought I was depressed and forced me out of bed when in reality I wanted alone time, when the liquor entered his system, revealed how he actually saw me. To summarise his words, now that I was in that state (a perceived depression in his eyes), he was finally better than me. He started talking about so many events in our lives where I thought I was a friend indeed, but to him, he was keeping score. Drunk men tell no lies, so I took his word as law, and since that night, I have not spoken to him.

He was explicit in his views of me; the other friend was more subtle. I realised that when he started making more money than me, while I celebrated his success and was genuinely happy for him, he, instead, wanted to assert “dominance”.

All of a sudden, he is ordering people around. And not in a condescending tone. Not in a manner that he yearns for power. No. He does so subtly. He makes a joke as he tells someone to open the Hennessy. He will remind you of the most embarrassing days of your life while asking you to open the food. He was so subtle with it that if you were not paying attention, you might have missed it.

I did not. Plus, the older you get, the more you learn that those embarrassing days that we would laugh about as teenagers, as an adult, we can see the scars of those embarrassments. So as an adult, I refrain from mentioning those embarrassing days my friends experienced because, as an adult, again, I know better now. I know better than to make fun of those days cause those days left a significant mark on the person’s psyche.

And you know, men, when I mention that it is uncomfortable to talk about those days, they laugh it off. You are made to feel weak. You are made to feel soft for not taking a joke. But understanding the power of a joke, I simply excused myself as they were laughing the night away. Safe to say, I have never been with them since.

And as an introvert, I realised the other day that I am left with probably one or two friends now. The one friend is a true friend indeed, as he is standing with me in this moment in my life. He is not making a show of it; he is not asking for anything in return; he is not making jokes about it. He is merely here with me, silently saying “I am here with you, Brother.”

Something that I learnt family sometimes fail with. Especially parents.

Over the years, I have discovered that parents (especially our generation’s Black parents) see us as a correction of their mistakes. They see us as what they wish they would have been. They see us as things that they mould and create to their understanding. Dare you become something out of this understanding.

I have always hated the unnecessary shame that parents bring on their child if she gets pregnant. As I am getting older, I have this great hate that I had this great fear that my parents would be greatly disappointed if I got a girl pregnant. But I am getting older, and girls my age- almost all of them are single mothers. I have dated single mothers. Never again.

I mention this because it explains the dynamic that many of us have with our parents. Parental relationships in African homes are mostly created in the sphere of fear. And if you happen to find the willpower to break this sphere, you quickly realise how empty these parental relationships actually are.

I am ashamed to admit, but I’ve accepted that I disappointed my parents. I am ashamed, yes, but I couldn't care less. What will make them proud is if I were a people pleaser, living life worried about what Makhe would say, living life on credit, keeping up with the Dlaminis. That could never be me.

I really have no care what people think about me. I really could more for the dust on the coffee table than worry about what Dlamini and his three daughters are doing. It could never be me to live life worried that people think I am a failure, and I need to dive into credit to pretend I am not.

I honestly have zero care what the next person thinks about me. What they think of me is their problem, not mine. So growing up middle class, especially for our parents, they might not say it, but they definitely live for the approval of neighbours and friends.

When those office aluminium windows became a trend among African homes, every mom and dad converted their homes into corporate-looking offices because “MaThembi installed them last week.” There was a trend among Black families to fully pave their yards. My mom wanted to do the same. This I fought tooth and nail because paving the yard meant killing the little ecosystem in the yard. I would not allow that.

Of course, I was told I was a child (when I was 26 at the time). Of course, I was told I don’t understand (yes, I didn’t understand why we need to compare ourselves to the neighbours and not just live our lives). Of course, I was told I am an insolent child who has lost my manners. That I was no longer the sweet young boy they (my parents) knew me to be. This sweet young boy who could never say no or speak his mind cause he was still trapped in that sphere of fear.

Now, as an adult, I am not in that sphere of fear. And yes, the child in me yearns for their support, but their support is conditional. Their support has the unspoken rule that I need to go back into this sphere. Their support suggests that I need to forget that I am a 32-year-old man and I need to transform myself into a 16-year-old somehow. And I can’t.

The same friend, my only friend now, there was a time he chose to sacrifice the luxury of living in an upper-class estate, and he decided to live in rat infest backroom kokasi. He did explain the reasons, but I could not understand them. Naively, I believed there could be a remedy to his problems. Because the centre of his problems was his parents.

As fate would have it, I am his age now when he moved. And now at his age, I feel the same. As I write this, I have a viewing in one location kasi this week. I have never lived kasi. I have never visited relatives who lived in kasi for more than a day. The middle-class neighbourhood is all I have known my entire life. But I understand my friend now.

It is impossible to try and rebuild your life when your parents fail to accept you. More accurately, when they fail to accept your defeat as you have accepted it. It is impossible. I have tried. Lord knows I have tried. But like swimming upstream, it may be possible, but I no longer have the strength for it.

The last area where you’d think it would be difficult when you accept defeat is with romantic relationships. Yes, it is true that when you are in this position, 90% of the time, a woman won’t respect you. She will talk to you like you are one of the guys she has on her waiting list. She will cheat on you. And when confronted, lie about it.

She will take you for a fool. She will lose respect for you. Remember the Law of Abundance. Everything you never wanted in a relationship (when you are with a woman in this 90%, and you experience defeat), you will get it; times 10 times 12 to the power of infinity.

I am not dismissing the fact that in this position, most women will see you for nothing. She will keep you around as her backup plan. Trust me, I write from experience and from the experiences of many men. One of the key reasons I do not believe in marriages. But even with this truth, I find myself not struggling being in a relationship. Cause, if you are patient enough, you will come across a woman in that 10%.

Yes, I continue to believe that as a man, you must never tell your woman your problems. Never do that. I have had women stay even after I went silent for weeks, when I cheated, when I treated them as scores on my imaginary scoreboard. But I have never had a woman stay after she realised that I am a human with emotions that erode my strength. Some will stay, but at the expense that whatever respect she had for you will no longer exist.

But again, maybe it’s the fact that I am grown now. Maybe it’s the fact that I know my seductive prowess. Because surprisingly, this is one area where I am not struggling.

I don’t find myself struggling being in a relationship. You realise that girls who say things like that “a man must have money” or “you need to have money to be in a relationship” are pretty vain, shallow beings. You can 100% be in a relationship when there’s nothing in your pocket. And the truth is, a woman who will love you when you have nothing in your pocket, I feel, desires to be there when there is something in your pocket.

Inasmuch as I recognise and I am not bypassing the importance of money in relationships, I also recognise that as a man, make your masculinity the thing a woman finds attractive, followed by the depth of your pockets. Perhaps that’s why some of these rich guys struggle getting into meaningful relationships. They make having money their personality instead of actually showcasing their real personality. Hence the modern expression that money can never unlame a lame nigga.

And the fact that I am in a relationship, to be honest, is what is keeping me very sane in this situation. I might never tell her the full extent of my worries and stress, but the good woman she is, she can read and listen to the unsaid. She is able to give me the support without making it seem like a favour. She is silently helping to clean the work area as I pour concrete, rebuilding my foundations.

It is crucial, I believe, to accept defeat when you feel it pressing on your heart. Accept the defeat, not the shame.

Not accepting defeat, you realise that you might become that person who never heals. Or you might become that person who never moves on.

We can see this “nostalgically”, for lack of a better term. That one guy who is 37 years old but still brags about being the High School rugby captain is an example. That other guy who is 42 years old but still thinks he can get girls like he did in his university years. Failing to realise that in his years, he basically forced himself on women and women, due to the rules of society of that time, let him have his way with them.

Acceptance of defeat (or any situation) always helps you to deal with the matter as it is. Being honest about what you are experiencing allows you to see the situation as it is. Therefore, you will be better equipped with how to deal with it.

Gold and Bronze, in certain conditions lookalike. If you are holding bronze, and you refuse to accept you are holding bronze, you will be a fool when you think you can sell the bronze at gold prices.

But if you are honest with yourself, understand that you are holding bronze. You will feel better and more confident with yourself when you take the bronze to a buyer. You will negotiate a price that meets the standards of bronze. And from this, you will have realistic expectations of how to move forward with the profits from the sale.

Accepting defeat makes me realise exactly what I lost. It allows me to carefully analyse and break down what led to my defeat. This in turn allows me to have a realistic plan on how to heal from this defeat. It allows me to know which tools to use to rebuild myself.

Accepting defeat, the law of abundance made everything around me fall. And fall they did. But this allows me to look at each item that has fallen carefully. If it is still of use, I pick it up, polish it, and put it to use again.

But I have realised something. Almost everything I am picking up now is pretty useless. They are, in fact, the reason I fell in the first place.

And so, most of these things, I leave them where they belong. On the ground. I leave them where the winds of the universe will pick them and toss them into a whirl of eternal abyss, praying they are lost forever in space and time.

It is not a nice position that I am in. But I understand that it is necessary. I have to be here. I need to go through this involuntary shedding to reveal God’s intended purpose in me. A spiritual metamorphosis, you can say.

As painful as it is, I accept that indeed I am where I am supposed to be. And one day at a time, I will eventually be where I am supposed to be. God willing.