Greatest Challenge in Being You.

Who are you? This is a very difficult question. In most cases, you realise that the you that is you know is a you that has been fabricated by others. Many philosophers and therapists will tell you that who you are depends on the place and with whom you are with. But you see, to most of us, when we look in the mirror, we see a you that is really who we are.

And in most cases, this is a you that only you know. You know, after the age of 25, the average human brain has fully developed. Therefore, after 25 years of living, it is safe to say that the foundations of who you are as a person are then set. From there, the only way forward is to build on this foundation.

Therein lies the first challenge. At the age of 25, you are an adult. You see life differently from when you were 14 or 15. At the age of 25, as a man, you are probably discovering the depth of your sexuality, as opposed to when you were 14 or 15, when you were probably discovering the depth of a video game.

Your parents won’t see you as an adult. In fact, most parents can never see their children as adults. You are forever children to them. One would say that is logical. After all, they are your mother or father, and the relationship between you and them is that of child and parent. Personally, I disagree on this.

If you study those who have found success, their parents removed that relationship. They are allowed the relationship to evolve. If your son wants to be a successful DJ and you were a teacher, what could you possibly teach your child to be a successful DJ? However, if the parent humbles themselves and understands they do not know the workings of the entertainment industry, but instead offer a mature mindset to the child’s career, the child will find better success in that field.

But in most cases, the child wants to be a DJ, but because of his parents, he cannot express this desire, because to his parents, this is a foolish career path. Foolish because they are not DJs themselves. I use this because it happened to me. I wanted to be a DJ because I loved and still, to this day, love music. But my dream was quickly and violently killed by my parents when I was young.

But you see, I am not young anymore. At this point, I know who I am and what I want. However, I intend not to express who I am and what I want because those around me do not know this person or what this person wants. They know a certain me that died years ago. They hold on to that version of me that I worked hard to kill because he was weak and a waste of living space.

So granted, there will be conflicts with those around me who think they know me when in reality they don’t. They know my ghosts, my once-was, but not me. And when the me that I am wants to live, it causes a major conflict because, to their shock, they thought they knew everything about me.

I know a friend who tried everything to please his father. He was A student. He was the Head Boy of his high school. He worked hard on everything he did. Even at home, he worked hard to maintain the yard, paint the house and the shed occasionally, and everything in between. All because he wanted to get the approval of his father.

You see, the price he was paying for this approval was his talent as an incredible artist. He had to repress his talent because which traditional Zulu father would be proud of a rapper as a child? Especially in my small town, where most of the known rappers were the weed-smoking, never-sober college dropouts?

He tried his best to suppress his talent, but one can never hide that which God gave you. In the city, he decided to pursue and build his talent. In doing so, he was cut off from his father.

There are so many other people that I know personally who suffered a similar fate. One of the primary reasons I do not like old people. When you reach a certain age, you become who God created you to be. There is a time when parents can help shape you. That is their duty. But there comes a time when they need to let go. And most simply cannot.

And this is single-handedly the most difficult part in being who you really are. Because every child, unless their parents were really that bad, wants to please their parents. They want them to be proud. But the version your parents have for you and the version you have for yourself, 9 out of 10 times, are completely different.

Most people who know me will say things like Thando should have been a doctor. He should have been an engineer. They allude to those fields because I was good with maths and science. I never went out, and I was indeed the typical nerd.

But my heart was always creative. I found my cousin’s drawings of anime creators to be the coolest thing under the sun. My brother taught me how to listen to music and birthed a love and appreciation for music that I used to dream would be my life.

I realised when I was older that I loved science for the creations, not the study of it. That never fascinated me. But again, the way I was raised, I had no room to explore these creative sides. I would steal the moments on school grounds, but never at home.

And so goes the list. So now, as an adult, I realise that I can say no. And even though I will be told that I am disrespectful, be asked “what happened to the Thando I know?” and all these statements that broke and bullied me when I was younger, as an adult, I can stand for what I want and for who I am.

I can live life embracing who I truly am. I admire my friend who chose his talent over his father. I could imagine that it wasn’t an easy decision for him. Because literally, everything he did until he took that decision was to win his father’s approval, which never happened. My other friend chose to live in a rat-infested shack and sacrificed the luxury of living in a comfortable upper-middle-class neighbourhood because his mother would judge him and belittle him almost daily. I won’t call him a friend, but I know a guy whose parents died in an accident, and he said, “Good riddance”. I never got the background as to why he would be so indifferent to the passing of his parents, but it was clear he felt absolutely nothing for them.

I believe that this is the hardest part of being who you are. When Christ said that a prophet is never welcome in his hometown, I believe that the phrase also serves as a metaphor for this. When a person decides that they will no longer hide who they are and fully be who they are, it is those closest to them who will reject him or her. And who is closer to you than your parents?

But then again, the question then becomes, how do you want to live your life? Do you want to live your life to win approval and appreciation from people who will never give it to you? Or like Thanos, endure your great sacrifice in the name of living your destiny?

It is a difficult question. Blessed are those who never have to ask themselves this question. But if Lady Luck did not smile on you and now you are faced with this question, what will you decide on?

That is the hardest part of being you. Because that decision is entirely on you.