I have this dream that the day I enter Heaven’s gate, I’ll meet Jesus, Steve Biko and Malcolm X. When I enter the gates of Heaven, I will hear Jesus say to God that yes, He does know me and that he may enter. Afterwards, I will meet Steve Biko and he will say yes, he does recognise me as a student of Black Consciousness. Lastly, I dream that the last person I meet will be Malcolm X and he will smile at me and tell me I lived my life like a field Negro. I have the dream to recognised as one of the modern-day African philosophers but I realised one thing: I fear being seen.
Most of my high school years I was told that I could present very well. Teachers even took me and made me participate in public speaking competitions and debating competitions. I got to university and the narrative continued. So much so I was honoured to facilitate on behalf of my mentor’s evening classes and occasionally her morning classes. There I was, in front of 300 to 400 students plus delivering content on Business Functions (a first-year business management module in the University of the Free State). Without fail, each time that I stood on the podium to deliver a lecturer, I’d quiver in fear.
As the Queen of my heart, I too am shy. I mask my shyness with confidence. Yet at the core, I develop sweaty hands whenever I think of public speaking and addressing people. For some people it is a living nightmare to be indoors for so long during the lockdown yet for me, it is heaven. There is something about presenting myself to someone else that scares the living daylights out of me.
Even a compliment is something I find very hard to digest. Thus, when I think of my role models and how they spoke to thousands of people, I wonder how did they overcome this fear of being seen. It is not criticism. The opinions of others are reflections of their own being. Thus, if someone is being ugly towards you, they have a deep-rooted issue they need to solve. Successful people rarely if ever look down upon a person. Walk into a local restaurant and chances are you will realise this phenomenon. The lower-level employee will be the one giving you the rotten attitude yet the owner of the place, even if they are busy, they will welcome you with a smile that appreciates your business. So, I know this fear does not come from what others think of me.
The confidence that I conjure when faced with shyness is simply a mask. It is a disguise to not appear weak among my friends. The thought of putting myself out there is beyond scope for me. Yet, my role models placed themselves in front of the whole world to watch. In doing so, they became immortals whose teachings live with us today.
Somehow, one does not want the fame but rather, one wants the legacy therefore. I marvel and respect the people that feel comfortable with being visible for the world to see. It takes a special breed of person to be visible for millions to watch and yet not crack under the pressure. It is a virtue that one still needs to learn.
Man I can relate, fascinating how much one needs to put themselves out there to be exposed to every opportunity at their disposal.. finding a balance between being sociable and introverted. Caring so much to push the envelope but also not giving a damn about the fame that might come with revealing your truth. I understand what you mean this piece is strong.
Man I can relate, fascinating how much one needs to put themselves out there to be exposed to every opportunity at their disposal.. finding a balance between being sociable and introverted. Caring so much to push the envelope but also not giving a damn about the fame that might come with revealing your truth. I understand what you mean this piece is strong.