You know, one thing that is not discussed when going through it emotionally, is how not nice it is to feel this way. Like, no one wants to feel this way. No one wants to wake up feeling sorry for themselves. But the worst feeling is the feeling you know you have on those around you.
Those that love you want nothing but happiness for you. They try their best to uplift your spirits. They try their best to make you realise that the crack of dawn is always after the darkest hour. And indeed, this love is the power that keeps one alive to look forward to that dawn.
But not every day one feels this way. Some days, the demons that one is fighting come back to haunt a person. You become the doom and gloom. You become a black hole that absorbs all the light that comes your way. In this darkness, you shut out any reach of help or concern.
Then the next day, you wake feeling not consumed by the darkness. You wake up feeling like light itself. But you quickly remember how mean you were to your loved ones the day before. And so, the guilt begins to eat you inside. Now you are different in a darkness. The light that you felt like you were you realise it was the faint reflection of the light of loved ones you consumed when you were the black hole. And evidently, the cycle then repeats itself.
This cycle continues and continues. Even though your loved ones look at you with love and concern, you start to become scared that you’ll become the doom and gloom to eradicate their joy. This closes you further in your hole. It makes you feel like there is nothing you could ever do to change it.
It is a vicious cycle. It is cycle that knows no end. It is a cycle that isolates you from the world. No matter how high your head rises, the force of this vicious cycle will find a way to bring it back down.
And that, is the worst part about feeling this way.
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