I was thinking to myself this morning that I feel like I am in a hole and I feel like I am doing and trying everything to escape this hole. I mean, fundamentally one is blessed. At face level, I have everything that a man my age would need. Yes, there are a few things that I still desire but truth be told one has his needs covered. But why then do I feel like I am in a hole? Why does it feel like I am trapped?
And the answer is pretty simple. My soul knows that this is not the life for me. My soul knows that it is worth more. My soul feels like Balram in the movie The White Tiger. Like, this feeling is no longer “deep in the soul”. It is everywhere in my soul. It feels like I am one of the prisoners in Plato’s Cave that see beyond the shadows on the wall. My soul can feel the sun from outside the cave. I know that there’s more to life than what I am living right now.
And don’t get me wrong, I am not referring to materialistic longing. I am not saying my soul wants to cry in a Lambo. One gets to an age in life where one realises that there are far more important things in life than materialistic goods. Yes, I would still want to cry in Lambo but even in that, my soul will still feel trapped.
You see, my soul longs for it to live. What my soul longs for it to be alive. For some, being alive is the ability to travel whenever their soul pleases. For some, being alive is the ability to dress in the finest clothing. For me, being alive is having the freedom to go back home. And if I cannot go back home, to afford to live again in KZN, away from this concrete jungle called Gauteng. But more accurately, my soul longs to live and explore the beauty of the nature found in those provinces.
Sitting in an office, with no exposure to the sun, for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week is torture to my soul. I cannot stand it. It eats me alive. Indeed one has come to realise that I love education. There’s power in education and my desire is to teach others about this power. I love the fact that I teach marketing. In today’s world, being able to market yourself with your Instagram or YouTube account can set you up for early retirement. Thus, one feels honoured to teach a new generation of humans about this power. I am one of those individuals who truly love what they do.
And that’s the thing. My soul is battling with the idea that for me to continue doing what I love to do, I need to do it for someone else. At the end of the day, I am a factor of production on campus. I am an expendable resource. My life, to the management of campus, has a quantifiable pricetag. I am a faceless human. Indeed, if I were to die today, tomorrow a post will appear on Pnet.
An extremely cliché statement but it remains true. One cannot live because of work. And my soul can feel it. And so, it is trying to escape. It is trying to grab anything it can to escape this hole. And truth be told, it makes sense. If someone grabs one by the throat and begins to squeeze to the point that you cannot breathe, what would be your first reaction? You will try everything in your power to free yourself. You will punch, kick, wiggle, and claw yourself to escape the life-threatening moment.
And after you have escaped this situation, you will run away and never return to that person or that place. When you meet your friends and family, they will probably see the bruises. They will first jump to conclusions and begin to silently (some not so silently) judge you. And when you tell them how you fought to be free, they will marvel at your tenacious bravery. They will not question the methods you used to escape. They will not mock you for punching the abuser. They will not mock you for screaming while fighting for your life. They won't even humiliate you if you soiled yourself out of fear that your life was coming to an end. No, they will embrace you and celebrate your success.
Why is it that we cannot have the same spirit for our souls when it feels the same? When life is strangling your soul to live, why do we feel ashamed for trying everything we can to escape the situation? I say this because in my mind I have worked out that I want to try two things that I hope and pray will free me from this hole.
The first is to start a YouTube channel. The idea is to basically convert these conversations we have on the blog and create a visual and audio version of them. It’s funny that when I reactivated my Facebook account to further expand the conversations on the blog, my heart created a cloud of doubt and anger.
You see, I’ve changed. I am not the Thando who was 10 years old and loved Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy (still do though). I am not the Thando who was 16 years old and entered Math competitions (ironically math is a skill I’ve lost over the years). I am not the Thando who was 21 years old and had the naïve belief that I would be a millionaire in two years (fooled by the PR stories written in Forbes and those magazines of famous entrepreneurs). Heck, I am not the Thando who was 25 years old who was comfortable living in Harrismith (still thinking that earning R12k was enough).
I am a whole new me, as one should be The caterpillar evolves to be the butterfly. And reactivating my Facebook made me realise that it is filled with individuals that know the old Thando and not this new version. I won’t lie, it filled me with anger because it felt like I was going back into old shells that I do not what to be in anymore.
Because those people that know the old me, and will judge me based on those old versions of me. And because they think they are friends or that they “know me”, they will want to give their opinions on my affairs. And they will end their unsolicited advice with “because I know you”. And even worse is the second thing I want to do which is to explore my love for music through creating mixes and tracks of my own. I can already hear them.
But why? Why did that anger me? Why did that create doubt in my heart? Is it my life that I am living or is it theirs? If my soul feels that starting a YouTube channel will free my soul, why do I have to think twice about starting one? If someone strangled me, I highly doubt I will think twice about punching the person in the face. I will do it, even without thinking.
But how is it that with matters of the soul, we tend to have these doubts? I believe it’s because most of us haven’t really reached that level of no return. We might feel the pain and the squeeze of life’s hold but we can still breathe. The fact that one can go to a warm bed and have a warm meal before the day ends, is the soul breathing through the chokehold. Most of us have not reached that level when we feel enough is enough.
And it is important not to rush your soul to that point. A child will learn the stove is hot only after burning their hand. After that experience, they will respect the heat of the stove. Also, talking about stoves, you can only appreciate the heat from a stove if you have been in the cold for long. For one to fully appreciate and feel the gravity of seeking to escape the hole of a meaningless life, one needs to find their soul longing for a meaningful life. They need to reach that point where they feel this immense emptiness where fleeting pleasures cannot fill it anymore. Only then will one fully understand how desperate we become to find an escape.
And that’s the beauty of living. Let’s never forget that Christ had to die before going to Heaven. In the hero’s journey, one needs to experience challenges that will lead to a rebirth of the soul. A baby is only born after the mother has experienced great pain. Spring only comes after Winter. And so, for one to fully comprehend the needs of the soul, one needs to feel the soul when it craves them.
It is in those moments that a new fire will be birth. It will ignite a fighting spirit that will further enrage your dormant passions. Those passions are the fists and kicks that your soul will use to fight for its escape. It is imperative we follow through with those passions, regardless of what people will say. They will all judge you, including your close friends and family. But they will, at the end of the day, admire you for your willingness to let your soul live.
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