I wouldn’t say I like writing about my mental health and how it affects me. It is not an easy discussion or an easy conversation for me. But, you know, when I think of my favourite artists, they express their struggles and pain in their artworks. And these artworks stood the test of time. I’m thinking of Basquiat, Kurt Cobain, Roman Polanski and Tupac. And so I write.
It’s not nice being sad all the time. It just depletes and drains your energy. In the same breath, it affects those that close to you. You see, those who are close to you, truly want nothing about the best for you. They want you to be happy. They want you to be happy about the possibilities of a new day and a new week. In that, we find the dichotomy of their love.
Especially for those who have or have had some authority over your life. They fall into the danger of wanting to dictate to you what to do and how to be happy. Not realising that only makes it worse. My personality type is one that does not fully respect authority. Like, I’ll listen to you but will probably ignore you. Just how I am. So with individuals like my siblings and parents, the same pattern unfolds. Sure, I will listen but trust me I will not follow through on what they said most of the time.
And the reason is that these authority figures know a you that they used to guide and tell what to do. Think of it like this, when we were young, we had a curfew. Your mom or dad told you at what time you should be back home. And for the most part, we followed and respected this curfew. Now that we are older, that curfew no longer applies. My friend and I were joking about this that when we were young, we’d be home at 5:30 pm. But now that he is working, we can only meet at 5:30 pm. Time has a different meaning when you are older. As an older me when he is out at night, my parents will freak out and try to control my time and continue to tell me what to do. Because they used to do so with a younger me through the mechanism of a curfew.
Their defence? They are merely trying to protect me. When my siblings preach about self-care and so forth, I know it’s not in malicious intent. But it boils back to the notion that I am not the child who needed guidance. At this age, one can make their own decisions and stick by them, whether they were a good one or a bad one.
That creates a weird complex where one chooses to reserve himself. This creates the behaviour where we lock ourselves in our rooms and only come out to use the restroom and find something in the kitchen. We know that any interactions with these individuals will lead to them advising us on what to do because they are trying to “protect us”.
At the age of 30, we don’t need protection. We need understanding. So, because we are not getting it from those who have guided us in life, we end up looking for it with friends and peers. That is also a weird space. Luckily for me, I can cut people off pretty easily. I won’t attach myself to someone for sentimental reasons or such. Like, if a person comes to me thinking I’m still the Thando of 10, or 20 years ago they quickly learn I’m not that guy anymore. And not in a bad way or anything but we evolve as people. If you were not part of the evolution, it is wise to reintroduce yourself as you are now dealing with a new individual.
So I’m lucky in that regard that people I call friends are truly day ones. But the danger is that they are on the same level as you. I was having a conversation with a really close friend of mine. I told him that my focus is on being stable enough to be a father. Legit that’s my goal in life. Homie was shook. I told him we are not young anymore. Time is not marching backwards. And indeed Homie took a young minute to reflect on the notion.
You see, I love my friends but I’ve realised our goals are not the same. Nothing wrong with that. And again, true friends won’t make you feel out of place or like an outcast for having different goals. But the difference in these goals is pretty clear in conversation and lifestyle decisions. The relationship advice you get from friends is sometimes riddled with the difference in these goals. Most of my friends still enjoy the wild nights and the luck to perhaps go home with a girl who has the same intentions. As a dude, I understand it but that’s not where my relationship goals are set.
I realised this the last time when I was with my friends. We went out and the entire time I was annoyed. I was bored and just wanted to leave. But I’m with friends so staying longer didn’t feel bad. But trust me, I was annoyed to the brim. There was a random girl who kept hovering around me. My friends were like I should shoot my shot. But in my mind, I really didn’t care nor want to. There was no motivation or energy in me to actually shoot my shot. It was only the following morning that it hit me that it was impossible for me to shoot that shot. Simply because I don’t want those sorts of relationships of meeting random women and forgetting them shortly after.
But lucky for me, these friends of mine know me. They were there during my evolution. So much so that one of my friends that next day even apologised for forcing me to come along. He said that he could tell I was just tolerating the situation and the frustration was visible on my face. That’s a good friend if you ask me.
The flipside of this coin is that because of the different lifestyle decisions and somewhat vastly different life goals, even good friends will exclude you from their plans. And for an introvert like myself who can count all his friends on one hand, it can hurt. It can hurt when they tell you that they are out somewhere and didn’t invite you because “they know you”. It makes a person unwanted or feel like an accessory to their lives. Again, like siblings and parents, you know that these friends have nothing but love for you. But with them, because the perspectives on life is so different, there tends to be misunderstandings. They won’t try to control you like your sibilings and parents, but sometimes they just won’t understand you even if they might believe they do. So one continues searching.
And the last reasonable place to find some understanding is with your girlfriend. The hope that love will give you peace and safety in your vulnerabilities and insecurities. You see, those who say that your man or woman is not a therapist or something like that, I can assure you that they are single or in Will Smith–Jada–like relationship. You are an idiot, an absolute moron to think you’ll find a perfect man or woman who has no flaws, including mental struggles. You merely pick your battle and stick with it.
But those battles will probably remain between the two of you. And if you two love each other strongly, those battles will be dealt with accordingly. But they will be there. If your man or woman is a cheater? Your love won’t change them. Perhaps consider a poly-relationship of some sort. If your man or woman is a busy bee who is working consistently, your love won’t change them. Perhaps sit down and draw a monthly or weekly timetable that will ensure that everyone in the equation will receive equal time.
Some situations are extreme. Personally, I’ve been with an abusive girlfriend. In all forms, you can think of. I tried my best to fight it out. I simply could not, no matter how hard I tried. Indeed, sometimes you are just incompatible with a person regardless of the challenges they present. In such a situation, maturity will call on you to walk away. As a man, there are more women on this planet than there are men so the chances are in your favour that you’ll find someone for you. That someone will not be perfect. But she (or he if you are a woman) will definitely offer you the love that provides you with that safe space.
And therein is the challenge in itself. You see when you find that special for you, she won’t have to be anything else but herself for her to love you completely. Her very being is enough to make you calm and feel at peace. But as a man, tormented by consistent loneliness and sadness, you don’t want to bring doom and gloom into her life. You don’t want to be the darkness that envelops her light. You feel bad for feeling the way you do. You begin to feel afraid that she’ll leave you if you don’t get your act together.
Maturity tells you that’s impossible. It is that sort of thinking that leads men to end their lives. It is that sort of thinking that leads men to be alcoholics and drug addicts. And because we men are not good with words, it is that thinking that leads men to express their emotions through fists and kicks. And that’s simply no good.
You want to see the love of your life always happy. But you are so sad all the time that you know, your sadness will tarnish her happiness. Because she’ll be worried about you. Pride refuses any pity from anyone and combine that with a crippling false belief you are not as “manly” as you should be, you begin to wear a mask when you are with her. I can tell you now that a good woman, a woman made for your soul will see right through it.
It is a challenge in itself because you end up locking yourself away. Men do not drink merely to have a good time. Most do so to escape the realities of their mind. Not every man feels comfortable talking about this. Trust me, the blog has been inactive for close to two months because I knew that I wanted to write about this but couldn’t.
However, lucky are you if you have a supportive family. Yes, they might still exercise some authority over your life but their love will always, without a shadow of a doubt, move mountains and calm rough seas for you. Lucky are you if you have good friends. You guys might be living totally different lives but through them, you’ll understand how powerful the idiom that a friend in need, is a friend indeed. And indeed lucky are you if you have found the right woman. The right woman will make you understand why poets over the years say the right love completes them.
Indeed as it rains, we know that the harvest will be great. As dreading, draining and defeating loneliness and depression is, we know we are here for a greater purpose than to wallow in pity and sadness.
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