Recently, I have been thinking about success again. You know, for the past month, a fire has been relit within me. A fire that fuels my desires. My desire to live in a way that I desire.
You see, in this desire, I see the G Wagon parked next to the M3 in a beautiful estate in Umhlanga, with a team of healthy children running in a big yard, playing with their dad. Their dad being me. So, as I sat and pondered on this desire, I realised that I needed to engage in the powerful exercise that I’ve learnt in self-improvement: The Mirror Exercise.
I just gave it the name The Mirror Exercise. In all honesty, the exercise is simply introspecting your being. The exercise is simply looking at yourself honestly and truthfully. And this is where we tend to get it wrong.
If you look at a wall right now, what do you see? If you are outside or the wall in question is near an open window, maybe you will see the shadows of trees on the wall. Maybe you will see the dance of leaves reflected on the wall. If you go inside, perhaps you’ll see the decorations on the walls. And maybe your eye will wander off to the light switch.
In most cases, we won’t see the wall as it is. We will see what we want to see on the wall. The texture of the wall, the paint of the wall, the tiny specks of uncleanable stains on the wall. But we won’t see the wall.
To see the wall requires one to see the wall as it is. For instance, if you look at the wall and see those tiny specks of uncleanable stains, in most cases, the mind will now see the stains and not the wall. The mind will begin to think of which cleaning products to try next to clean the stains. The mind is now focused on the stains and not the wall.
Yet when we look at the wall and see those stains on the wall, we will accept that the stains are part of the wall. In that case, we are not seeing the stains. We are seeing the wall as it is: a layer of brick and cement covered in paint with stains on it. Once we see the wall like this, then we can proceed to the next phase of the exercise.
So, let’s bring it closer to home. When we sit and meditate about ourselves, it becomes difficult to look at ourselves the way we are. We would want to look at ourselves the way we want to look at ourselves or how others would potentially look at us. I’ll use a practical example.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see this chunky oke. I don’t mind being chunky, but I do mind when my stomach is pushing my shirt out. Now, I know I am not obese. Perhaps overweight, but I know I’m not at critical levels where my weight is a problem. I know that I can get away with being this way. I have been overweight the majority of my life, so this isn’t something new to me. So I could see myself extra chunky and tell myself that it is okay. There is no need to do anything about it. Basically, I see the Thando that was and not the Thando that is.
The Thando that is is 30-year-old. This Thando is starting to experience back problems because of his weight. This Thando is starting to experience knee pains because of his weight. Unlike the Thando that was who could walk 5, 10 kilos (to-fro) with ease with the extra weight, this Thando finds it difficult to even walk 2, 3 kilos. The Thando that is for him, being overweight is not a luxury he can enjoy. Instead, it is impendient to his enjoyment of life.
The difficult part in this is to look at oneself in the mirror and see the disappointment that he is. And I use the word disappointment very deliberately because I can point to the exact moments when I no longer paid attention to my weight and let myself go. It is the sting of disappointment in self that propels one to say enough is enough, this weight has to go.
But, if I avoid looking at myself as I am so to rest in the warmth of comfort, I will not be able to say enough is enough. The layers of comfort will tell me that all is well with my weight. Comfort will tell me that I’ve been overweight, so this is who I am. The sting of disappointment is painful, and so most of us avoid it at all costs.
The warmth of comfort, however, is like staring into Medusa’s eyes. While we are mesmerised by heavenly beauty communicated through her eyes, we do not realise our bodies becoming rock, freezing us in time. Think about it. How many people do you know are stagnant in life? They are working the same job, they drive the same car, and they basically stuck in life because they are comfortable?
Yes, for others, the rabbithole is deep. Perhaps their stagnation is a force beyond their control. But for most, being stagnant is a choice we make. Perhaps you are looking for a job. And you studied so you are looking for a job in your field. But I can argue now that most people won’t swallow their pride and work entry-level jobs to gain some experience to supplement their education. I know a number of people who refuse to be call centre assistants or waiters because “they have a degree”. I know a number of people who once dreamt of millions but allowed their dreams to die because of the comfort of a fixed salary a month.
Now, this discussion is not about taking a leap of faith. I wanted to illustrate how easy it is for us to look at the mirror and avoid that which we see in it. Like staring at the wall, we see the paint (your material success like your job or the piece of paper telling you that you are educated) but fail to see the cracks beneath it. We do not see these cracks because we choose not to see them. Because seeing them will sting us with the ping of disappointment that we are not who we claim to be. We are who we think we are, but not who we really are.
Inasmuch as the last statement might sound the same, it really isn’t. As someone who was once a gym rat and attained a decent physique, my mind still thinks I have that physique. I need to keep looking in the mirror to remind myself that I no longer have that physique. The deeper layer of this is that subconsciously, my mind knows me to be overweight, so it intends to find nothing wrong with what it sees in the mirror. It is only the deliberate focus on what I see in the mirror that I consciously tell myself that I need to do something regarding this weight.
Truth be told, this exercise is one that applies in every aspect of our lives, not just physically. I hear some guys talking about how they would love to date Insta Baddies but accept the reality of dating hood rats. Because in most cases, especially in the realm of seduction, most guys believe they are a perfect package. But deep in their hearts, they know that they’ll never seduce the love of an Insta Baddie.
You can hear it in the judgements. “They love money”. “They are fake”. And the list continues. Yet, in their hearts of hearts, they desire these women. In their judgements, you can hear the insecurities of their masculinity that they are afraid to confront.
“They love money.” Because he knows that he doesn’t have money himself. So he projects this on his desire for these women. He knows that he does not have money to buy the Jordans he wants that might impress these women. He knows that he does not have money to afford the Tom Ford cologne that might lure these women. He knows that his inadequate as a man but to face his inadequacy, not many have the stomach to do so. And so, in the comfort of his judgements, he avoids the confrontation with his inadequacy.
Yet, if he had the stomach to confront his inadequacy, he would put himself in a position to overcome them and actually attract the women he desires. And herein lies the power of introspection, what I call the Mirror Exercise.
Only when we look at ourselves as we are, only then can we grow and inch closer to our dreams. We should always remember that we only live once. One shot at this life thing.
God has not placed desires in your heart for them to live as a fragment of your imagination. No. But we need to dare to go against the grain and do everything in our power to live them.
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