Lately, I’ve been asking myself, how did the old generations do it? How did the old generations form marriages that lasted decades? How did they know that they found a person that they’ll dedicate and commit their lives too? Is it something that can be taught or is it a practice that is lost in the histories?
Over the years, there have been an increase in divorce rates and a decrease in the “traditional” nuclear structure of a family. True, there have been many events over the decades that have led to increases in divorce in which some we will discuss in this conversation.
Traditionally, women were oppressed by being barred by many institutions. They were barred from education, they were barred from high-paying jobs, and women were barred from various key areas of life that were only available to men. And so, for a woman to live “independently” they sought marriage.
Maybe that is why a man is only as handsome as the depths of his pockets and women were encouraged to find a rich man over a broke one. It is a common phrase in society that a woman should find a rich husband and be a housewife. However, times are changing.
Women are allowed in all areas of education. Women are more involved in politics. Women are more involved in the economy. Even though the progress is small, women are substantially more independent in this era than in our parent’s or grandparent’s era.
In the previous era, a man could find a woman and that woman would love him even if he was working a dead-end, minimum job. Because the powers that be restrained that woman to attain her independence. Therefore, through this man, this woman would be able to buy things for herself and provide the man with children. The man was the head of the family. If the man stopped working, the family would have no income. And the systems that be restricted a woman from finding a good-paying job that would provide for herself and her family. Therefore, the system inadvertently promoted a patriarchal system in relationships, marriages, and families.
But again, times have changed. This year I really dived deep into the dating scene. These questions stem from the women I encountered this year. There was one girl I dated somewhere mid-year for about a month. She was more educated than me. Her qualifications were more economically viable than mine as well. She was slightly a class above me. I liked this girl and she liked me. The reason we dated for a month, I believe, she realised that I could not match her lifestyle. Even though she stated her personal reasons to break up with me, I know that because I could not match her lifestyle, she would not settle for me. Even though, in that month, we had sparked the beginning of what could have been a great love story.
Obviously, I cannot write about her past as that would be very ungentlemanly but I write about her because I realised that if I was in a better economic situation, she would still be my girlfriend. Before her though, I dated another girl. She was not as educated as me, but she was smart enough. She was not as economically valuable as me, but she was wise with her finances. This girl I write about for one particular reason.
She loved me. Through her, I experienced what they call unconditional love. Her love had no expectations. Her love had no shoulds and should nots. Her love was pure. Logic dictates that I should not have let her go. But I did because of my own ghosts. I am at a stage in my profession where I am relocating and travelling a bit. I am yet to find a college or a university where I can base myself as a lecturer. The distance between me and her widened, and she told me that she doesn’t feel emotionally ready to be in a long-distance relationship.
You see, she wasn’t breaking up with me. She was telling me how she felt about the situation. But because my previous relationship with someone I was planning to ask for a hand in marriage ended because she couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship, I thought that history was repeating itself and I broke up with her.
I confess that the girl loved me, and I truly did feel her love. But because of ghosts of the past, I let her go. At this age, any person you meet has a love story that broke their heart. Love is painful. And the brain is wired in such a way that it will do everything in its power to avoid experiencing that pain again.
In that instance, I as the man lost love. I, the man of the new age, ended a relationship because of my own past. When you hear stories of old people speaking of their partners, they stayed with them through thick and thin. They stayed with their partner even if they worked in Johannesburg and they stayed in rural Free State. They stayed with their partner even when the partner was jobless. They stayed with their partner even when the partner was an alcoholic. They stayed and made their relationship work for the sake of their own dignity, that of their partner, and that of their family.
We, the liberated generation, do not possess the same will to fight for love. The girl that broke up with me because I didn’t match her economically, was she right? I say yes. A man is only as handsome as his pocket. I say yes because I was not going to meet her standards. And I’m an entrepreneur by heart so I am frugal by nature so I would not have entertained her lifestyle.
In the same breath, I say no. Because we did create something special which she too confessed to. But because we are liberated, we are not restricted as we are, we have the option to let go and try again. And dating in this new world is not as difficult as it was in the previous generation.
We have Twitter where it seems every girl (and boy) has an OnlyFans account. We have Tinder where you can find “love” with a simple swipe. Laws of scarcity no longer apply as we, the liberated generation, have options at our disposal.
If you lived in a village and found yourself a partner, chances are you will do everything in your ability to win the heart of that partner. And once you have found that partner, because you live in a village, the probability is high that there aren’t many people around. You will zone in on your partner and make sure that the relationship that you build with that person works. Through thick and thin, hell and heaven, you two of you will dedicate yourselves to the success of your relationship. Because, at the back of y’all’s minds, y’all know that the probability of finding love in the village is extremely slim due to the limited options of mates around. So, you’ll feel lucky to have found love in the first place.
And I will drive this closer to home to explain the concept further. I am from a small town. A very small town. And every guy from this small town knows that there are very few women around. So, growing up, this small pool of women would date the rugby players, the kids who drove their parents’ cars to school, or the rappers wearing Nike Air Forces. These girls would not entertain the nerds like me. Which teenage girl wants to hear about dark energy and dark matter that ties the universe? Which teenage girl wants to hear about your Pro Evolution Soccer Master League Real Madrid?
And so, for a great deal of my childhood, women from my hometown never found me attractive. Women from my hometown never told me they found me handsome or what have you. Yeah sure, there were one or two who did like me but not in large gobs like the cool kids in town. It was only when I left the small town and went to the city in my early twenties where that really changed.
In the city, there were more girls who were nerds like me. In the city, there were more girls who would discuss dark matter and dark energy with the same enthusiasm as me and not find it weird. In the city, where there are more options, one had more confidence to find a potential mate there than back home.
But here is the danger with that, the danger of knowing you have options. If I break up with someone right now, I know I can simply download Tinder and begin swiping right until I find a match. I know I can go to Twitter and find an OnlyFans model. I know I can go to Insta or Facebook and send a DM. I am not strapped for options. So, in as much as I may say I love a person, I know that I can replace that person if needs be.
And that’s what happened with the girl that loved me unconditionally. At the back of my mind, I knew that I could replace her. In as much as I acknowledge that I will probably never find a love that pure ever again, I rest comfortably knowing that I can find another partner because I am not limited by options.
Could it be that this freedom of options is what is causing relationships not to last anymore? Experts do say that the hippie culture did cause a rise in divorce rates because of the hippie culture’s free love and refusal to tie down to someone. Hippie love is love that loves freely. And in this free love, one can have a baby but not see a need to marry the mother or father of the baby. This freedom effectively broke down the traditional structures that tied a family together.
This freedom laid the foundation of today’s world of dating. And unfortunately, most of us are confused. A woman will say she wants to be married but she will not relinquish her independence to her husband. A man will say he wants to be married but he will not want to commit himself to build a home for his wife.
A woman who has 99+ DMs on her Facebook, Twitter, and Insta, respectively, that woman knows that she can replace her partner at any time she desires. A man who knows that he can ball on a monthly at a club or park and flaunt his lavish ways knows that there will be women who will find him attractive and will not commit to a single woman.
In the modern world, love is no longer a need. Love is a want. Love is a luxury. Love is something that you decide to have. I don’t need to love a woman to have sex with her. I don’t need to love a woman to have a child with her. I don’t need to love a woman for me to care for myself. Times have changed.
Men can cook, clean, and iron their own clothes. Women can work, study, and build their own lives. A man and woman can have a child together and decide to co-parent, they don’t have to marry one other. Twitter and platforms such as OnlyFans are slowly proving that sex isn’t a spiritual act that the church made it to be. It is simply a biological phenomenon that allows reproduction to occur. And the power of the pill which many experts believe gave women immense power over their bodies is evolving the role of sex in itself.
We as the modern generation are experiencing a great societal change. When it comes to dating and love, the rules of the game have changed tremendously and we find ourselves confused as to what those rules are.
You find a woman speaking of finding a husband and being a mother but the fact that when she opens her Instagram and there are DMs waiting for her, she knows that she is valuable and that she can afford not to commit to a man. She knows she has options. So, when her partner (or even husband) does something that challenges her love for him, she knows that she can replace the man if need be. She’s not strapped for options, so she has no reason to commit and endure the trials of love for one man. Why endure the pain of love when you can start afresh and enter a new honeymoon phase, and effectively repeat the cycle cause your brain will not tolerate you being hurt again?
The same with men. You find a man speaking of finding a wife and being a father but fact that when he opens his Twitter and finds a tweet about an OnlyFan model who does hookups, he knows that he can find validation outside his woman. He knows that he has options. So, when his partner (or even his wife) does something that challenges his love for her, he knows that he can replace the woman if need be. He too is not strapped for options. So why commit to a woman who is stressing you when there are women who are here for a good time and not a long time? Why would your brain allow you to be hurt by love when it knows how to make you enjoy it much easier?
As a man, one remembers that it was women who brought the downfall of King Solomon. And unlike the new testament, the old testament is raw and demonstrates God’s true nature in my opinion. So, King Solomon’s downfall is not a romance story that tries to illustrate God’s grace or something. His downfall clearly illustrates what happens to a man (even a King) when he loses himself to women.
As a man, it is a decision to fall in love with a woman and to have the discipline to love one woman. In the modern world, all the traditional roles a woman can do, a man can do as well. And because of the birth control measures, even the promise of a child isn’t guaranteed anymore when you are in a relationship.
In the world of today, we decide to be in love. We don’t need it, we want it.
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