To find yourself is to lose yourself. The phrase attached to the notice post on campus read. Why would someone place such a baffling phrase out in the open for all to read? Most importantly, what does it mean?
It made sense for the post to be on a campus post. Campus, the university haven where most are still trying to find their purpose in life. Most under the influence of desired outcomes from their friends and family. These desired outcomes are often the result of parent’s past failures and their fear of them making an encore in their children’s lives. It was once said to him that the curses of old continue generation to generation. These curses only continue because they are given life in the “I know you can do better” and the “when I was young” pieces of advice that elders bestow upon the young. A friend of his once told him a tragic story of how his aunt went bankrupt because of credit. His aunt who earned the upwards of fifty thousand per month filed for insolvency to her creditors. His friend told him that he hoped that he would never get to that point. Yet, when his friend was telling him this story, the friend was opening an account in a clothing store because in his words: “a man gots to stay fresh”. The other reason was that one of his brothers advised him that it is good to have a clothing account. The irony. His greatest fear was to file for insolvency yet here he was applying for credit to buy clothes.
To find yourself is to lose yourself. This time the phrase ran through his mind like a cheap movie. He sat at the back of the lecture hall observing the students in front of him. He looked at how the different dynamics played. He saw the young focused man taking notes yet will probably write new ones when it’s time to study. Thus, is that man truly absorbing the knowledge he is getting, or, like looking at the pointing finger, missing all the heavenly glory the finger is pointing to? He sees the young female who wants to be the “baddest gal” on the block. Her hair glowing green with a simple tattoo grazing her neck. Yet her skirt still resting over the knees and her eyes avoiding any eye contact with any individual who approaches her. He always feels sad for these girls. They want to be free. Free to be whoever they wish to be yet society with its iron grip on the how tos and how not tos for females, she remains a slave to society. She remains a slave to men who think a mini-skirt is a sexual invitation. She remains a slave to females who belittle other females for wearing a lace shirt. She remains a slave to the world in which she wants to be alive.
After class, starving, the young man made his way to the dining hall to buy fries and a foot long Russian sausage. Even though he knew the fat was no good, in that moment, that fat was what the body craved. He walked past a group of freshmen and women hurdled in a circle. In the centre was a senior student who has been on campus for some time. Some saying he has over welcomed his stay. The man went on how there is no God for if there was a God, he would have saved the Blackman from this ill fate. He continued to proclaim he is an atheist and went to explain how those with power have always used the power of religion to control “the mind of the masses”. The group of about eight slowing began to grow yet his stomach began to protest in roars. He decided this was not for him and continued to get his bowl of grease.
He's body satisfied with the deliciousness of the fries and sausage, he found it fit to go to the library to do some reading before going home. Lo’ and behold, the atheist’s group had expanded! Some coming from the group spreading and discussing the man’s teachings. The irony. “There is no God and I am his prophet!” The words of Alan Watts echoed in his mind. For here was a man. Telling people of a God of No God and giving the teachings to believe in the God of No God. He was no different to the man who preaches about the Risen King and the teachings He left with His followers. He was no different from the girl who believes in the flow energy through chakras and the teachings and practices of yoga to tap into these energies.
In finding oneself, we tend to get lost. Lost in the sense one has lost direction of where they are going but know where one's going. However, the man who has truly found himself has ultimately lost himself. Lost in the sense that he was realised that the rabbit hole is actually deeper than that that meets the eye. In Him, we are made new. He realised that those who were touched by the teachings from the God of No God’s priest’s sermon, left with a newness that twinkled in their eyes. Lost in new thoughts that has opened a door to journey of self-discovery.
He walked home with a podcast of Zen tales playing through his headsets. His favourite tale speaks of a young admiral who once visited an old Zen master with a puzzling problem he wished the master would solve. He told the Zen master that he heard a story of an old man who had a goose in a bottle. As the goose grew, the old man was afraid to shatter the bottle as the glass might hurt the animal. And so, the admiral asked the Zen master, how did the goose get out? The Zen master heard the admiral but, changed the topic and discussed matters totally irrelevant to the dilemma presented by the admiral. As the admiral made his way to the door, the Zen Master said, “oh admiral, it’s out.”