Perpetual Solitude.

He sits by the bench. It seems the universe can read his mind, as the weather is not the fun-filled sunlight of summer rays. Even though it is summer, today, the weather is filled with grey clouds, promising rain. His thoughts blend perfectly.

As he sits there by the bench, he thinks about his life. The late Robin Williams’ quote visits his mind because he is experiencing it.

Robin Williams once said that the worst thing that can ever happen to a person is to be with people who make you feel alone. And this is true. He thinks about the various lovers he has had over the years.

In each relationship, his needs as a man were never catered for. It is expected that as a man, he has to stuff his feelings deep inside of himself. Because he has learnt that women fail to truly understand how to care for men. Perhaps this was a curse for him. Perhaps there are others who can feel love from their partners. But not for him. He understands why Chris Rock said that a dog can be loved unconditionally and never a man.

But is such is the rotation of life. There is nothing he can do to change it. As long as the world spins, men and their emotions will never be taken seriously. Perhaps that’s why so many men become alcoholics. Perhaps that’s why men cheat so much. Perhaps that’s why men are twice as likely to take their own lives as opposed to women. Because women are allowed to cry. In fact, it is encouraged and looked at with reverence.

Not for men. Even with his friends, he feels alone. Each time he is with them, he can feel the connection that ties him to them break away. In the highway of life, he took the offramp while his friends continued living at 160km per hour. He had known this for a long time. The writing had been written on the wall many moons ago.

But he believed in friendship. He believed that perhaps things would change. But they never did. The difference is that when they were children, playing PlayStation and doing homework were the ties that kept him and his friends close. He continues to do homework with research, and he continues to play PlayStation. His friends do not.

He does not enjoy the company of his friends anymore. He dreads having to spend time with them. However, nostalgia nudges him to try one more time with them. It nudges him to spend more time with them. Maybe they’ll change. Maybe they’ll find a deeper meaning to life. Maybe they, too, will take the offramp. But he knows they won’t.

A big believer that birds of the same feather flock together, he knows he needs to accept reality. He needs to accept that those people he grew up with are no longer his friends. Yes, without them, he will be nothing. But he’d rather be nothing than live life in the fast lane with no meaning to his existence.

And all of this pain, he experiences alone. He can’t tell his mother or sister or anyone. He knows that they love him. But the problem with this is love is that it is love that judges. It is a love that aims to reprimand.

He recalls when he told his mother that he was courting a young lady she worked with. His mother indirectly told him the girl is upper class and he is not worthy of her. The pain that his mother sees him as a peasant hurt him. And it is not that she sees him as a peasant per se. It is the fact that to his mother, he is and forever will be a nerd who plays PlayStation and enjoys binging on Jurassic Park and The Mummy.

Little does she know that he has been with models who were Billboards, girls who daughters of Ministers, and women who embodied the strong, independent woman archetype.

He sits at the bench. All alone. Such is his life. Such has been his life. All his life has been alone, even when surrounded by people. Such is his existence: Perpetual solitude.