When You Start Losing Friends.

Since last year, I have been evaluating individuals in my life. More accurately, I forced myself to step back from my life. From this extended vantage point, it allowed me to see people for who they are. Not for the emotional or social connection they have with me, but as who they are as people and how they, as people, fit in my life.

Many people, well, introverts, find this exercise simple. I quickly realised that I was holding on to certain individuals for nostalgic reasons. Reasons such as they were maybe a good friend in primary school, high school, or university. Maybe they were a good friend when there was no one around, and it so happened that during that time, this person was there for you.

To a great extent, to cut these people off, it is a simple task. Once you remove the nostalgic feeling created by memories of them, you quickly realise that they serve no function in your life. And so, to save your energy, you cut them off.

Now, before I explain the various types of individuals I’ve cut off, this may seem like a form of utilitarianism. In which, to a great extent, it is. Unlike an extrovert who gets energy by being in huge crowds and in social settings, energy gets drawn from me as an introvert when I am in crowds and social settings. The idiom, “a friend in need’s a friend indeed”, to an introvert says to me that a friend is someone who a need needs to be pleased to be a friend.

Sometimes this need is very clear. I once had a friend who was a friend because he could get money from me. And because he knew I was into hustle culture, he would use that to ask for me. Either he had a business idea he wanted to try, or he had a buy-in into an event, or something in general that would make money.

He would use that to solicit money from me. Until one day, when I asked him when I would get the returns from these investments and business ideas, he went quiet. Texted less and generally started spending less time with me. And like that, the friendship died.

You see, if he were a scammer, I would have seen him a mile away. If from the onset it was clear that this guy just wanted money from me, I would not have entertained him at all. Instead, he was someone I called a friend.

He would take me into his world. When he made money from gigs and other things he did, he would share the profits with me. We would sometimes chill without talking about money or anything of the sort. And I was a middle-class boy from the farm towns who didn’t look like wealth. In fact, someone said I looked “sketchy” because of how I’d dress. In this friendship, I believe that he realised that I was naïve about how money works and he took advantage of that.

In that alone, you can see how I defend him. And it is this defence that makes cutting people off difficult. Because you have the good times running through your brain, thinking that it’s all just a misunderstanding. Maybe if you have a discussion with the person, they will change.

However, a tiger doesn’t change its stripes. I did have a discussion with this person. He changed his ways for about a month or two. But shortly thereafter, he started asking for money again.

With such a person, the need they are fulfilling through you is materialistic. It is tangible. You can point at it. Sometimes, you realise that it is an invisible need that someone might be satisfying through you. And here’s a scenario:

You have a friend with whom you feel comfortable sharing everything. From your love life to your career aspirations, you feel like you can trust this friend with all this information.

But weirdly enough, this person never shares anything with you. Even when they achieved a massive career milestone like being a qualified Chartered Accountant, they never found it in their heart to tell you about it.

They are a closed book. The only thing they feel necessary to discuss with you is anything regarding having fun. Other than that, you know absolutely nothing about this person whom you call a friend. A friend with whom you feel comfortable sharing your deepest secrets.

How would that make you feel? Can you still think this person sees you as a friend, the same way you think they are your friend?

And yes, of course, I totally agree that there are some secrets that should never be shared with the world. Indeed, there are some secrets that I will die with and only the love of my life, my life partner, would know. It is true that there are some things not to be shared even among the closest of close friends.

However, if a friend becomes what they wanted to be since high school and that friend doesn’t share that with you, how would that make you feel? More accurately, what would that imply? How do they view you?

You are not worthy of their trust. I mean, this guy was a friend since high school, but to this day, I have no idea who his girlfriend is or what she looks like. It took a while to realise that while I placed this guy very high up in my life, to him I was merely the equivalent of a “drink buddy”, someone only to invite for meaningless fun and debauchery.

Analysing this friendship, I realised that the guy was fulfilling a psychological need. I viewed him as a friend; he viewed himself as my big brother. I have one big brother.

So, again, realising this treatment, I called him out on it. He wanted to laugh it off and “bully” me into submission. But I stood my ground. I have not spoken to him since that day, and since that day, he blocked me on every social media platform.

And so continues the cycle. I am one of those people who fully believe in self-reliance. I believe that one should be able to do things themselves. Self-reliance in that one should do things by oneself and for oneself.

I have come to realise that under the guise of someone being your friend, people often take advantage of you. Sometimes it is something tangible that many of us can see a mile away, but it can also be very intangible and difficult to see.

Sometimes it's a matter of you changing and your friend not changing, or changing in a way that conflicts with how you are changing. For instance, I am at a stage in my life where I want to be a father. That is where I am at mentally regarding women. The few remaining friends of mine, not so much.

They might say it, but their actions are extremely contradictory to the aspirations of being a father. So when conversations come up about dating, love and so forth, I stand out like a sore thumb.

I cannot add anything because what I want to add is about fatherhood and stability. What I may have seen as red flags in women when I was enjoying the streets, I realise that they are just insights into women's psyche that, when learnt as a man, can assist in building stable and long-lasting relationships. Not so much with my friends, the ones remaining.

It is a weird space that I am finding myself in. Truly, the older I get, the more I realise that I don’t need so many people in my life. I am slowly getting to understand how married men can say that their wives are their best friends. I am slowly getting to understand how many great minds would say that their only companions were their cat or dog.

I could imagine for the extrovert, someone who draws energy from crowds, this seems foolish. But to me, it’s not. I learnt a long time ago that a man can be an island. If he is self-reliant, he can make that island work perfectly for him. We might be social creatures as humans; this is true. But for an introvert like myself, the company of my family and girlfriend are enough. Anything beyond is greed. It is unnecessary.

The moment I finally understood this philosophy, I realised that a lot of favours or solids I would need from my friends, I could do them alone. That is a myth, the notion that a man is an island. “Ubuntu” works if you are the king or queen of the village.

People will take advantage of you. Either with what you can provide tangibly or intangibly. Flipside of the coin, you might come to realise that there are so many things you can do by yourself. You don’t need other people or the company of others to do them.

I realised that life is more peaceful and fun when living it by myself. I had a vacation last year in La Lucia. I realised that I was never going to enjoy myself as much as I did if I went with my friends. Because instead of enjoying the private beaches, they would want to go to a public one, where there are people and girls. Instead of trying out different cuisines, not worrying about the price, they would opt for things we were familiar with and that are affordable. Indeed, I would have been annoyed, vexed and proper bored if I had gone with a friend or two on that vacation.

And again, this is spoken from an introvert’s perspective. An introvert who fully believes in self-reliance. With each growing year, growing month, my social circle continues to shrink. And you know what? It is the greatest thing happening in my life right now.  

I am getting to discover true inner peace. Peace that comes from looking in the mirror and befriending the man I see. This can only happen if you spend time alone. More accurately, this can only happen if you spend time by yourself, without the whispers of people you call friends.