A letter was given to me today by Mr. Rager. Had blood stains all over. This is what it read:
"You probably do not know me. You have never heard about me but please share my story. It might convey the message I wish to share.
I was in love with a young girl. I loved her so much that I had began depositing into a savings account for the day I would marry her. I dedicated a percent of my monthly earnings to the account. Thought we were perfect and nothing could never break us apart. Knew we had our fair share of mistakes and the fact we are imperfect, I knew we will meet tough times. About two years ago she broke down and told me she had met with her past lover. Past emotions aroused and well. What I can tell you Mr. Loner is that even to this day, the pain is as fresh as if it happened yesterday. You see it has become such a common story this one that no one really understands its effects on the soul. This pain Mr. Loner, imagine if you will, having your heart exposed to the elements. Then slowly picture hot acid running down into your ventricles. Imagine the intense burning of blood and tissues inside. That is how it feels like Sir. As I just said, the pain has become such a common tale, like the words I love you, it has lost significance and what I can call "feel". You see, this woman does not understand just how much love I had invested into her. Shortly afterwards I discovered there was a third party who they wrote notes to each other. She had access to his property as well. When asked, she tells me she received them through a mutual friend. Tell Mr. Loner, can you believe such?
Love Mr. Loner is such a strong emotion. Even after all this, even with the acid now going through my bloodstream becoming part of my DNA, I chose to stay and love her. I did not allow myself to heal accordingly from it all. Believed in the death of Christ that love is about self suffering for the redemption of others. Mr. Loner I know you might not understand but please.
Time went on and I believe she had found her true self. Images of her and him continuously playing in my mind still. But I put them aside believing I love her and she loves me. Believing we all make mistakes and surely in time I will heal from her treachery. Until I couldn't any more. You see, to her it was a mistake that was to be placed in the history books; to me: the mass murder of my soul. To her its a foul error that she too regrets; to me Mr. Loner: it became the spectre of all my woes. I burst in all the hate and poison flowing in my mind. Funny though I couldn't let her go but I wanted freedom from the pain that ruined my life. I thought I had found an escape route. An escape route in the form of another. She was beautiful. She was educated. Told me of pains of past lovers and I told her mine. And the more I did, the more free I became. I thought I had found my salvation. One night she went quiet. Many nights passed of the same trait. Asked myself what went wrong? What happened? About a month later I get a call. She tells me she can no longer do this. Her past lover has returned and she has fallen for him once more. I hanged my phone not wanting to hear anymore. And when the woman I loved heard the story, she too left.
A part of me understands her departure. A part of me is mad at the fact I chose love when she chose betrayal. The sick ironies that rotate our world. You see Mr. Loner, I have learned men can love to the fullest of degree. Women can too but they have limits. I guess its natures way of protecting them.
Mr. Loner not many understand the heart of a man. Through the pain I endured I realised a man, out of love, will do about anything. I want women to understand that even though he does wrong in ways you cannot understand, know deep down inside he thinks about you day in and day out. That no amount of pain you bring to him can ever destroy his love for you. Destroy him yes but not his love for you. It might be years. such as in my case, but to the Woman of My Heart I love you still. That even when I decided to escape, my heart was longing that we hold each other again. That you would hold me so tight to squeeze all the hurt out my body. Even though that woman Mr. Loner in all honesty turned my whole into shambles, I still want to hold her hand in matrimony. That she can live in love, forgive me later but enjoy and embrace the love we had created. Our imperfections however are to great so she believes. That even though I too betrayed I wish she chose to stay. Simply because of the love.
I may be crazy in love Mr. Loner. But it is blind at the day of the day. Mr. Loner please share my story cause for me, you'll find me in the pits of your engine."
With that, I realised what had clogged my engines.
(Written 18 April 2015.)