Lately, I have been searching for myself again. I realised how over the past months, I had let myself go. There was no care nor attention to how I presented myself. My mind was rotting slowly. I was letting life beat me down like the rock at the end of a gutter.
Man, I really let myself go. Slowly, I was beginning to give up on everything. You know, love saved me from suicide. The love from my family pulled me from the pits of depression that was swallowing me like a black hole. That love saved me from death but it did not save me from me.
I had totally given up on myself. I was accepting whatever life dished at me. At the time, I had broken up with the love of my life and instead of fighting, I accepted it. The life of unemployment when you have bills to pay is extremely unforgiving. But even in that, I had let myself wallow in the misery. I was willing to let go of it all, even my car.
Life had lost flavour. Life was a dish of overcooked mashed potatoes with no butter or salt.
But even in darkness, the beauty of the stars continues to shine. In that time, the scripture that says that even Solomon was not dressed as beautiful as the birds hit me. The scripture in its entirety basically explains that man should not worry about a future that’s unknown to them. That instead, they need to focus on the now and today. I began to see the beauty in this scripture.
What I thought was a breakdown of my life was in fact a cleansing. It was a way that the Lord was removing that which was not me from my life. Because of most, it was internal.
The greed to become an overnight millionaire. The vanity to make money just cause. The lust to seduce as many women as I possibly could. All these attributes and virtues, whether dormant or active, had found a way to create a mould around me.
This mould was blinding me from me. This mould was creating a version of me that could not process into my core operating system. Interestingly, I had a conversation with my other about how one’s home is where their foundations are. That if one finds himself or herself astray, they need to go home to find myself themselves again. And indeed, that’s what happened to me.
Coming back home allowed me to recharge. Being home allowed me to reconnect with the memories that made me for I am. It is being home that the breakdown of this mould occurred where now the true me can see again.
And this renewed gift of sight has allowed me to see things as they are and not as how I think they are. Emerging from this period of isolation and deconstruction of this mould that had me imprisoned, one of the first things that stood out was the need for a woman.
I am a man after all. And at the time, my girlfriend and I had broken up. And I had accepted it. At my age, dating or being with a woman has a different meaning than when I was younger. When I was younger, for the majority of my youth I pursued women as a sport. I had insecurities about masculinity that I felt I could solve by pursuing as many women as I could. But by the grace of God, those insecurities melted away and one has a firm grip on who he is as a man now.
So it is safe to say I know exactly the type of women I desire. At this stage, it is difficult to allow myself to waste energy merely to satisfy lust. But even with that said, just because I may desire a particular type of woman, this does not mean they desire me too.
One of the first things I ever learnt in seduction is that one should know their type. My friend used to say that one should know their markets. The retail market is not the same as the real estate market. The transportation market is not the same as the social media market. And so are women. Not all women are the same and it is important for one to understand the type of woman he desires.
And so, I sat down one day and revisited my type. I quickly realised that our age has transformed the market. You see, in university, my type would have given me a chance to date them. You see, before social media really took off, my type would have given me a chance to take them out and what have you. Not now.
My type now, as we are older, know they are beautiful. And social media validates their beauty on levels tantamount to a gym rat on steroids. The man who I was then could never seduce my type now. As painful as this was to me, it made me look deep into the mirror and critically judge myself.
A beautiful yet painful exercise. I noticed that I had actually given up. I no longer buffed my nails. My face no longer knew weekly facials and mask treatments. A hobo’s hair looked fuller and glossier than mine. Scent? I no longer even had one anymore.
I looked at my car. From detailing it every Sunday, months would go with it just accumulating dust. Indeed I had thrown the towel and life was not stopping in knocking me with haymakers. When I saw this defeated man in the mirror, I knew something had to be done.
Without wasting time, I took the first steps. I forced myself to wash my car the way I usually did. I forced myself to be in public, whether getting coffee at Mugg n Bean or simply walking in the mall (as much as I hate the mall). I forced myself to be in positions where first impressions mattered. This slowly allowed one to reconnect with the core of who he is. And from this core, I could regain the love of my ex-girlfriend who to this day remains the most complete woman I’ve dated.
As my confidence in myself began to be restored, the love of family manifested itself again. My dad saw the fire in my eye beginning to be relit once more and allowed me to reign over the family business. My mom saw the fire beginning to warm my heart once more and she bought me a superior laptop to continue conducting my tutorial business.
I surrendered myself to the faith that things will turn out and as each day unfolds, this faith continues to propel me forward. The beautiful thing that I am learning now is that who you are can never change. Not at your core. Yes, certain beliefs about life or certain truthes that you held at high regard may shift. But the true you who harbours your soul, this person never dies.
What happens is that they get blinded. Whether it is lust, fame or fortune, they get blinded by the false promises of this world. But a simple act of going back home, and reconnecting with what made you, the scales will fall and you will see once more.
It is not easy. In fact, it can be addicting to be alone and rediscover yourself. However, these are merely distractions. Once the last scale of the mould breaks, it is important that at that time to throw yourself back in the world. You will feel it. There will be that “never again” feeling that will tell you that the last scale has dropped.
And from there, you will understand how the birds can live without having to worry about where they’ll lay their heads to rest or where they’ll find food to fill their belly. Your being will be fuelled by the faith that moves mountains. At that moment, you will be free.
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