He walked around the city looking at the buildings. The tall skyscrapers towering the skies with the clouds peaking at their summits. The clear blue sky was a fresh welcome from the cold and dry weather that the city had endured thus far. He loved these walks around the cities, marveled by the beauty of man’s work. But along the sideways, in expensive cars, he saw a different beauty. A beauty crafted by the hands of God. The beauty of a woman.
He started appreciating the female body when he was still young. Like most teenage boys, hormonal changes raged wildly in him. Slowly he was discovering his own sexuality and what he would regard as a beautiful woman. No longer did he look at his study partner as just the girl he sat behind in class. She was slowly becoming more. Her skin glowed a bit brighter. Her lips seemed a bit fuller. Her scent began intoxicating him. He once told his mom about how he felt around this girl. And for some odd reason, his mom scolded him. He failed to understand what he did wrong. Was it a sin to feel this way about a female?
He never had a strong relationship with his dad. For the longest time, his dad just did not understand him. On multiple occasions, his dad would call him homosexual. So he never discussed matters of his heart with his dad. He would discuss such matters with his friends. Looking back, he realizes just how that in itself was foolish. His friends were his age. They too were discovering their sexual drive and trying to make sense of it. They too were going with the motions trying to make sense of how they feel around women. Unlike him, his friends acted on their feelings. If they liked a girl, they would approach the girl with no hesitation. For him, he would overthink and overthink. He remembers when he once approached a girl he liked. He was shaking so much that the girl laughed at him and walked away. He shared the experience with his friends and, obviously, being young teenage boys, they made fun of him. He laughed too to appear strong. But inside, he was broken into a million unrepairable pieces.
And now, in his early twenties, he still battles greatly with his sexuality. Even though he has had girlfriends, his own sexuality as a man still challenges him. He wonders whether he is enough as a man. He admires the confidence that some of his friends have in their sexuality. On his Instagram account, he follows these extremely beautiful women who seem too beautiful to be real. He tells himself that the beauty of these women motivates him to be the best man he can be. He shared this theory with a friend of his and his friend said that he is enough to get any girl. He stood shook by his friend’s confidence.
What gave his friend that level of confidence? What makes him trust himself so much that he cannot do the same? He cows in the presence of extremely beautiful women. He feels he lacks something. Lacks the muscles. Lacks the personality. Lacks the money. Lack the handsomeness. He feels that he lacks a lot for these beautiful women to find him worthy. As he was walking down the street, he sees this guy driving a Polo. This guy, with all the confidence in the world, holds up the traffic and sticks his head out to talk with a woman. This woman was walking on the opposite end of the street. A pretty woman probably in her early twenties. She seemed flattered by this man’s bravado. The other cars began to honk loudly and the car behind the Polo slowly crept up to the back bumper. This taxi driver wasn’t afraid to get a few scars on himself and on his car. The Polo driver pays them no mind and continues talking with this girl. Then suddenly, the street was filled with sounds of a loud roar. No one can see where the roar is coming from. They just heard the roar getting louder. It felt like they were animals hearing the lion claim its territory. In the far distance, a shimmer of light appeared. As the shimmer of light grew in size, so did the roar. Then suddenly, a beautiful red Ferrari parked in between the Polo driver and the woman. The Ferrari then sped off and the woman was nowhere to be found. She was in the cabin of the Ferrari.
It is moments such as those that he holds on to his belief. A simple belief that the better man gets the better woman. It is the peacock with beautiful feathers that attracts the mate. Average men get average women. At that moment, he remembered a line by Jay Z that states that all the women want him because he is in a Phantom. He finds solace in understanding that the better he becomes, the better quality of women he will attract. That moment brought to him a memory that he had long forgotten.
In his early university years, he remembered this girl with who they went to bible study. In this one session, they held the study in his room. The girl walked in and she stole everyone’s attention. Both men and women. All the men wanted to be the ideal gentleman. All the men wanted to usher her in, offer her water and all that stuff. He was genuinely enchanted by this woman’s beauty. And she saw it. Or so he thought.
Unlike the other males on that day, he simply was lost for words. He stared at her with intrigue. It was the first time he met a woman who had a lingering smell. And not the lingering smell of sweat from running in the yard. Not the lingering smell from cheap chemical bombs bought from retail stores. She smelt expensive. It was the first time he was lost for words in the presence of a woman. And she saw this. Or so he believes. He believes this because she only interacted with him during and after the study. She looked at his modest book collection. She picked up one of his Sherlock Holmes books and looked through the blur. She glazed over the blur of the book. Slowly her eyes rose and looked at him. Her hazel eyes froze time. In his eyes, it seemed like he was looking at her through the lenses of an Instagram filter. Her light honey hue skin blurred all traces of people and objects around her. It was the first time in his life was stuck by a lightning bolt. Being struck by a lightning bolt the Italians say that it’s the moment when a woman’s beauty strikes a man so hard, that he becomes motionless.
Even though he lent her one of his treasured books, he knew she was way out of her league. And this proved to be true. The following week, he saw her at McDonald’s. Obviously, he didn’t think much of it. He just saw her and looked at her. She didn’t see him. He was too plain and he stood out like paint on the wall. He blended in with the crowd. A few moments later, he saw a big man walk up to her. He embraced her fully and sealed the embrace with a kiss on the forehead. Judging by the belly of the man and his clothing, the man dripped in wealth. His regular self was never going to seduce this woman.
Money, one blesse, when South Africa was shocked by the blesser-blesse culture, said that money is not important. Money is just the easy measure to see a man’s ability to provide and protect in today’s world. Money is what pays the rent. Unlike the ancient days when a man could build his house with his own hands. Money buys food. Unlike the ancient days when a man had to hunt. Money does not make a man attractive. It is how he uses the money that does. She added to say that money is the mane around the man’s neck. The feathers that he spreads attract a potential mate.
He thought about it. The theory made sense to him. Perhaps that’s why that woman found the man in the Ferrari more attractive than the man in the Polo. The man in the Polo stood out among the walking students. But the Ferrari made him a small boy. Money makes a man more attractive. That’s why money is important to him.
He looks at his friends and starts looking at them differently. He looks at his friends and understands that at the end of the day, all of them just want to be the best version of themselves. As men, we want to court and seduce the most beautiful woman in the room. He is tired of attracting average women with average problems. He is tired of attracting so-called “Nubian Queens”, who speak of being an independent women yet readily drop their pants to the hottest rapper who calls them thots and things.
Another blesse in that era also said that they are intelligent. They are not airheads who are uneducated simply leeching off rich men. She added to say that they must be cultured in order to be able to attract the richest of the rich men. Beauty is not enough she said. She even mocked the reporter and asked her about her watch. The one she was wearing and the one that the reporter was wearing. The reporter did not know anything about the watches. The blesse laughed and said that if the reporter decided to find a blesser, she wouldn’t find any. Simply because she cannot distinguish the difference between her watch and that which she was wearing on her own wrist.
It is these thoughts that he thought about as he walked the streets. As he questioned his masculinity. He thought about the instances when he was attracted to a female and because he couldn’t express his masculinity, the female would walk away. He thought hard about what he did wrong in those moments. But he also wondered what was about his masculinity that made him attractive the seemly high-than-life than women. As he was thinking this thought, he remembered another instance that happened to him.
He once went to a house party with a friend of his. It was more of a gathering among friends and he was the odd one out. They got there with the friend. The friend knew everyone and he knew no one. He resided in a corner by himself and watched TV. Moments later, more friends arrived. It was two women. The one was nearly as beautiful as the one who he lent his Sherlock Holmes. He was struck, once again, by the beauty of this woman. And the woman saw that. And this time he knew it because his friend who brought him to the gathering went to him and told him that she’s interested. But for the life of him, he could not express his masculinity towards her. He felt those emotions of sexual tension, infatuation, and the need to provide surge through him, and yet, at that moment, she was so beautiful, he felt his masculinity was not enough.
He shared this story with no one. Because his friends were going to make fun of him. His female friends were going to pity him. What he needed was understanding. Why did he feel this way? Why did this woman render him weak? Why did he feel weak in front of the woman he wanted? His friends and popular culture would call this ‘kwababa’. But this term fails to identify the root cause of the feeling. Practicing mindfulness, he knows that there is more to the feeling than just being socially anxious to approach a female. And it hit him.
He wants to be the best version of himself. So nothing can satisfy him or reach his standard of quality. And so, he finds himself trapped in this circle of bettering himself, and in each level he reaches, he knows he can reach higher. Even with the women he prefers. He reaches certain levels and women will find him attractive. But he’ll feel she’s not good enough. If she’s wearing a perfume that she bought for R20, he will envision himself being with a woman who wears unique signature scents she purchases from exclusive boutiques. If a woman who is walking with her friends in the mornings is attracted to him, he would envision himself with the woman who has a membership account with Virgin Account and looks like health. He finds it difficult to find a woman on his level attractive. He always wants women beyond his reach.
He aims to be better every day but this attitude towards his masculinity keeps him lonely. It keeps him in the shadows of wishing to be with beautiful women. Like those that he sees on Instagram.
As he was reaching his flat, he looked at the corner of the street. He saw this young girl dressed in a grey dress. He swore he saw her on his feed the previous night. He knew that for him to break the pattern of his loneliness, he had to approach her. Unlike his teenage years, he understood his masculinity. As hazing as it still was, he knew how to express it. Without thinking, he approached her. He knew she was beyond his league. But in his histories, women beyond him have always found him attractive. To break the chains of his lonely heart, he had to act on his sexual impulse.
And he did.
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