Why Two Women?

Lately, I have been thinking about polygamy. More accurately, the polyamorous relationship that I was in. You know, there are elements of that relationship that taught me certain things about myself that I don’t think I’d have learnt anywhere else. Some elements, to be honest, were surprising. But each event that took place taught me parts of me that I never thought existed. Parts of me that strengthened who I am.

The first surprising element I learnt was that I could love a woman more than I thought I could. It’s like saying I enjoy coffee, but the coffee that I am drinking is Ricoffy. Then suddenly, someone introduces you to coffee bean roasted coffee. You realise that the coffee I have been drinking along wasn’t really coffee.

That’s how I felt about love. I have loved before. There have been a few women in my life that I can say that I loved and believed that I loved wholeheartedly. But you see, I have never loved a girl like how I loved my girl when I was in a polyamorous relationship. The girl I was with allowed me to introduce another girl in our relationship. Her permission made me love her more than I had ever loved any woman in my life.

It was the first time that I actually did love someone wholeheartedly. I realised that I have loved before, but never wholeheartedly. First love is first love. It’s like beginner gains at the gym. It’s not real. That love cannot count as experiencing love. First love is like a white cloth. It is pure, untainted and not soiled by the world. And therein lies the illusion of the first love. It sets the precedent of how love should be: untouched, untainted and free from any blemishes.

That’s not love. Simply because we are humans. As humans, we have flaws. These flaws will evidently touch and taint the white cloth that we presumed to be love. However, it will happen that after the experience of the first love, we might fall in love again. Now, having a clearer picture of what love is, we can experience it with a more mature heart. The blemishes that marked the pure white cloth add character. They create a picture of what love actually is. It is at this level that I believed what love should be.

Not until I had two girlfriends. The love I had for the girl who allowed it intensified to a level I had never experienced. Think of Banksy’s ‘Girl With Balloon’ painting. The artwork itself was already extremely valuable. It was a masterpiece in its own right. Immediately when it got sold, it slipped halfway through the frame. In the frame, there was a shredder. It cut the artwork just to the halfway line. This new version of the artwork skyrocketed.

That was how it felt. You think you love someone, but you realise that you actually do not. Most guys would tell their women that she is the Queen of their lives. She became the Queen of mine. She released a deep, inert masculine feeling in me to be the best possible man I could ever be for her. And this feeling is the closest thing to feeling Super Sayian in real life.

Above everything else, it is this feeling that made me respect and appreciate a polygamous or polyamorous relationship. You know, at my age, almost every person has cheated. At least once. I know for a fact that every guy my age, if he has a substantial dating history, has cheated at least once.

But cheating does not provide the same feeling. And, personally, cheating for me was just a lot of work. I’d always think that I would be caught. I’d always have this feeling that I might be caught. On top of that, it will make me believe that the girl I was with was cheating as well. There are no two ands or ifs about it. Cheating makes you insecure. It makes you have a paranoia that is subtle but present.

Remember, cheating isn’t just sleeping with someone else. The moment you text another person that you have a romantic interest in, that is cheating. The moment you engage with a person who has a romantic interest in you, that is cheating. The moment you engage with that person, you destroy the trust that your partner has in you.

If it wasn’t cheating, you would then feel comfortable letting your partner read those texts. But because you know it is cheating, you probably won’t. Thus, being in a poly-relationship allows you to overcome this cheating dilemma that has the power to destroy your relationship.

I believe that man was never intended to be monogamous. Personally. I feel and believe that if society, our African society, wasn’t brainwashed by Westerners, Colonisation and Christianity, more men would embrace polygamy. You know, every man I know has cheated or is actively cheating. Every man I know dreams or has dreamt of having more than one partner. Most men who end up in monogamy, I have realised, settle.

They have been broken by love so badly that they no longer want to be in the dating scene. So when they find a woman who can bear with them, they settle. Men who blindly love one woman always get hurt. Always, no exception to the law. I have heard and witnessed old men try to be blessers because they are bored with their wives. When I was a waiter, I would see ‘respected men’ bringing in young girls into the restaurant. In the words of Mr West, ‘love is cursed by monogamy.’

Marriage, historically, was an exchange between the sexes. You give me babies, I take care of you. Historically, this was the case. Women, in African societies, have been taught since birth that their role in life is to find a man, marry him, give him babies, and take care of the household. The man must bring the bacon; she will cook it. These teachings are so deep that the Zulu have the reed dance that worships the untouched woman. Some Sotho traditions practice the cutting of parts of a woman’s private parts, sealing them, and only opening them once she is married.

We live in a new world, though. We live in a world where a great majority of men can no longer bring the bacon, let alone find it. We live in a world where women can buy their own bacon and cook it. We live in a world where there’s a rising number of women who refuse to have children. Therefore, if the basis of marriage was that I, the man, bring the bacon and you, the woman, cook it and give me children, has been shattered, what’s the point of marriage? More accurately, a monogamous one?

Another element to consider is that women are far freer with their bodies than they were a solid 20 years ago, let alone 50 or 60 years ago. In our generation, especially at my age, it is nearly impossible to find a woman who has never been with a man. So much so, some women bear the evidence of having been with a man in the form of having children. Most men, in today’s generation, do not desire to have a woman who has never been with a man. Therefore, I ask again, based on the very foundation of what the institution of monogamous marriage is built on, why bother with it?

We live in a world where people are curious about their sexualities. It is interesting that the older I got, the more I realised that a lot of women have a curiosity about dating their own gender. Even among men, society is slowly accepting that a man can be with another man. Personally, I am not that open-minded, to be honest. It’s a concept that I don’t understand because a man never gives birth to children. Never. However, regardless of how I feel about it, society has become more open to the idea.

So, as a heterosexual male who has a primal inclination to want to preserve his genetic make-up, you realise that with a monogamous setting, you are limited. Some women will tell you straight that they want one child. Others will tell you that they want many babies, but there will come a time when their bodies can no longer do so. Hence, in some African societies, grandmothers are seen as the caretakers of the homes. They are no longer in a position to create babies, but they are in the position to care for hers and that of her children if need be.

I mean, we see it even in modern living, where the young lady or young man leaves the baby with the grandparents in order for them to continue working in the city. The fact is, monogamy is a Westernised version of what love should be. This clashes with the African way of living.

I once met a girl who said that she wants to be married but has no desire to have children. Her reason for marriage is security. And she has every right to want this. Maybe, one day, she will meet a guy who will be the same. But realistically, which man wants that? Why would I want to marry someone, commit my life’s work to and not be blessed with children? How is that any different from just a serious relationship? Herein lies my difficulty with understanding marriage in itself, in the modern world.

There is a bit of contradiction, so to speak, to refer to an African way of love and yet live in the modern world that has been brainwashed by Westerners. Most girls want marriage. Whether they want children or not, whether they are independent or not, most girls want marriage. I’d argue it’s partly because most women were sold the dream of marriage either by their mothers or American romantic movies that idolised the concept of marriage.

The same movies, however, when you rewatch them as an adult, they actually idolise the events leading to marriage. They actually idolise the wedding, the celebration and not the actual marriage. Movies that actually focus on the marriage, someone is going to cheat, is cheating or has cheated. The movie will then aim to reconcile the marriage, or reveal that the affair was the real love the person was looking for.

When we remove the movies, the teachings that they teach young girls is bear with the man. “If he hits you, he likes you.” Therefore, setting the precedent that if a man abuses you, this is a sign of love. That you, as a woman, have to bear with it. That you, as a woman, need to understand that a man only shows his love by abusing you. “Mosadi o tshwara thipa ka bohaleng”. Nonsense.

I feel that I diverted from the original context of this essay. Through having two girlfriends, I hardly experienced challenges that a man usually experiences in a monogamous set-up. If one girl was busy, the other was available. Both girls were bi. Well, one was bi-curious and the other bi. The bi girl loved my girl. So much so, I had an insecurity that she might steal her from me. But she loved her. I believe more than she loved me.

But this was okay with me. Again, my girl, the one who had agreed to this setup, she had all my heart. I was motivated to give her the world and the stars that orbit around it. But it is at this juncture that I explain the least favourite part about the relationship. This is how it ended.

Remember, I noted that the experience unlocked deeper parts of my masculinity that I never knew existed. Initially, my girl was bi-curious. She merely wanted to experience how it was to date another woman. Initially, I wanted a threesome. That was my goal, but as they say, it is the journey that we learn from, not the goal. It is in the journey that I discover the superpower and that I can actually love a woman wholeheartedly.

But it was too much power for me at the time. Her curiosity had been satisfied. And so, she no longer wanted the arrangement. I, on the other hand, had been drugged by it. I wanted it more. The threesome meant nothing to me anymore. It is this power that I discovered that I now wanted.

At the end, looking back, I realise that I could have handled things differently. I became a horrible person to my girl, to be honest. She had given me this power, and now she was taking it away. It is not her fault. It was a case that I was not ready for that level of masculine power.

Looking back, I do realise that I could have handled the situation differently. You see, it is not like I was cheating. When you get busted cheating, you know that the trust is gone. If she loves you enough, you can work on regaining her trust. When you cheat, and you get caught, she will be upset, angry, sad and eventually be alright again. If she loves you, she will stay. But if the pain is too great, she will leave.

This situation was different. My girl, who allowed the relationship, was merely bi-curious. Our girl, the one who entered the relationship, was fully bi. I lacked the emotional intelligence and maturity as a man to lead the relationship. I failed to reconcile the situation. My mind was operating as if I had been caught cheating, and that wasn’t the case. My girl was hurt because I made it seem I loved the other girl more. The other girl was upset, because she didn’t feel any love from my girl or me.

As much as I had this power coursing in me, I failed to maintain that relationship. But in the same breath, it is an experience that made me realise why powerful men over the ages never had one wife. My girl is still open to the idea. But, knowing how powerful that feeling is, I know that I need to prepare for it. I first need her to trust me again. More accurately, to trust in my leadership that I can make it work, without hurting her again.

In the same breath, I realise that I need to work harder on myself. I need to elevate myself to be in a position to lead two women effectively. This time, when the power surges in me again, I need to be ready for it. Like drinking pure coffee for the first time, your heart races. Your nerves are shot, and the energy is so overwhelming that you don’t know what to do with yourself. You feel superhuman because of this pure love of this woman.

I have the coffee before. I now know better.